Silly Ichthyologists: I Could’ve Told You That Invisible Sharks Were Out To Steal Your VCR

It appears that ichthyologists are once again swimming away with the research of Professor Bobby Brown. They are yet again stating a theory of mine that was widely published via the scientific journal “Twitter” as their own. “Bobby Brown’s Theory of muther fuck’n invisible sharks everywhere try’n to steal my VCR” published to Twitter in 2008 consisted of the streamlined observation that “Halp! invisbul sharx try’n to jack Bobby’s VCR” the main stream marine biologists ignored my theory acting like porpoise assholes (pompous man fish). They said I was “severely intoxicated on illicit substances” and was “hundreds of miles from anywhere sharks could live”. Recently I stumbled upon this article indeed confirming my theory that invisible sharks are everywhere and want my VCR.

You have to wonder what sort of discipline it takes to become a “marine biologist”. I watched myself eat a whole plate of fried clams once does that make me a marine biologist? Maybe they all just look down on Professor Bobby Brown because they never got kicked out the aquarium for mooning a rare sea turtle and leaving brown smudges on the glass, well I guess that’s their prerogative. Not as good as my prerogative..... Ichthyologists are by far the worst though. Who thought you could get such a high and mighty attitude just because you spend your time running around and sharking? Anyway good ol’Bobby Brown has a new DVD player that he has to protect from quantum sea sponges and its rightful owner.... Ssssssshhhhh! Quiet I think see one next to the dish detergent on my kitchen sink, better go get the C-4 I stole from DARPA.

It’s Time We Stop Testing On Animals And Start Testing On Criminals!

Rarely do I come out for humanitarian since I was unfairly incarcerated for my political action group “Save Whitney From Another Beat’n By Gett’n Me Some Mo’Cocaine” or since my branch of Amnesty International focused solely on my own prison cell failed. One thing Bobby Brown cares about is injustices, in fact I care so much I commit most of them myself just so I can get into the sick mind on the guy who gets arrested for humping some fine ass parking meters or the monster who pisses in Whitney’s hot tub when she got them cucumbers slices on her eyes and can’t see me doing it.

One thing I won’t tolerate is injustice to animals, unless it’s funny like putting peanut butter on the roof of Michael Jackson’s cock biting chimp’s mouth or Michael Vick is about to lose the bet in that back room spotted owl fight. I’m talking about animal testing. Not all animal testing, not like testing make up on a horse so they can figure what shade of rouge will make Sarah Jessica Parker look human in the next Sluts In The City movie or testing a kick ass new experimental baseball bat on a box of baby marmosets. Those things I understand, I’m talking testing dangerous and possibly fun drugs on innocent animals that can’t even pay for their drug habits.


I’m talking about a recent test in which snails were given methamphetamine to see how it affects their memory. Now I’m not saying meth won’t cure their ADD or hay fever but why test meth on ungrateful snails when there are plenty of prisoners eager to test meth, I think for once medical testing protocol should be streamlined. The poor snail never asked to be on meth but I’ve asked for meth tons of times! Not I’m not saying you should test makeup and hair products on prisoners, things might get a bit too romantic up in the ass if you know what I mean, up in the ass. However I don’t see the harm in giving me a dangerous drug that may one day cure sobriety. Think about it America, we could cure sobriety in me some day.

Bobby Brown's Bucket List

In recent times a lot has been made about achieving one's goals before death. While I'm pretty sure I'll never die unlike that rip off artist Michael Jackson the notion of leading a more achievement based existence intrigues this biologically longamonious scientist. I will be the first to admit that in past I've had quite the exigence with achieving list based goals (12 steps, parole requirements). So the other evening (actually it might have been a week ago, time tends to well... disappear for me.) I was relaxing and decided to compile such a list. Now I have trouble recalling my exact intent on many of the entries I will post them all for posterity in hopes they may trigger my mental constitution to reconstitute.

Pee on micheal jackson’s grave, mother fucker’s been ripp’n me off since before I was born.

Have a real bar mitzvah, I know I’m not Jewish, I just want the Jews to put me in a chair and lift me up over their heads.

Convince them to rename all the Martin Luther King Jr. blvd’s “Bobby Brown Blvd”, same with all streets named “Main st.”

Beat up a dolphin, smug fuckers.

Try crack cocaine. …. Just fuck’n with you guys, I’m high as fuck on this delicious shit right now!

Set Whitney’s Mansion on fire… on purpose, for a third time.

Adopt some underprivileged kids.. and make them fight each other.

Invent peel and eat shrimp, also put my cock in the cocktail sauce.

Cryogenically freeze my head

Have a family sitcom where I play a Bill Cosby like dad who gives really bad advice while high. (actually tried this before but nobody wants to ask you for advice and call you “dad” when they’re tied up and being robbed)

Change my name to Theo Huxtable and go on welfare.

Yo I’ve known synthetic life for years

So Craig Venter decided to rip me off. His people are saying they built synthetic life acting like synthetic life is new and shit. I’ve known synthetic existed for years. Whether it be synthetic friends who hang until the rock run out, agents who say “listen Bobby to make money you actually have to make music and tour, and could you please put your testicles back in your pants”, of fake ass women who are like “I love you forever Bobby” and then call the police after a couple right hooks to face, believe me I know synthetic life.

Apparently the difference is that his synthetic life was made in a lab and not out of desire for Bobby Brown’s money. Half these Hollywood bitches are synthetic Autotune, Protools, y’all sound like gay robots (I built a gay robot once, he was very neat, great at parties but I had to scrap him after I found him fucking my toaster with Bobby Brown’s toast in it, man I love some good toast). You can’t tell me Puff Daddy is real, the guy’s lyrics are “huh, uh huh” on loop like my vicious cycle of addiction and property destruction. Also Venter apparently encoded a website into this thing’s DNA, so just like every other fake ass form of life it’s got a website to plug, why not get it a twitter feed too at least it wouldn’t be as stupid and pandering as that Oprah bitch (don’t get me wrong I love you Oprah, I’ll be your new Steadman let me in the rich fat ass of yours). Also poem lyrics in the genome? Why not “My Prerogative” by Bobby Brown, man I’d have royalties up the ass every time this cell replicates! And yo if it’s got “My Prerogative” in its genome like Bobby Brown it will be replicating a lot, if you know what I’m say’n.

But as far as I’m concerned this is just another cell keeping Bobby Brown down.

Addressing My Quantum Sobriety On Celebrity Fit Club

Though I do not usually use this blog to talk about my personal problems or address public media speculation today I have been levied to do so. I feel that I owe my Bobby Brown Loyalists an explanation for the recent events on show “Celebrity Fit Club: Boot Camp”. I understand that the presence of such an esteemed figure as myself on a VH1 reality show is bound to seem sordid or as novelty at the very least, like a desperate pathetic move to get attention under the guise of physical aesthetic prowess.

It may seem like Bobby Brown may have simply been looking to vainly experience such former luxuries as sleeping on an actual mattress or being trusted around a house full of easily stolen light bulbs. Well it may come as quite the bewilderment but I have proven many the hayseed with my latest venture.

Suspense must always drop its suspenders under the force of gravity so it is time for me to put the laws of gravity back in effect. I desperately wanted to keep my true reasons for being on the show clandestine but I feel that I owe my loyalists an explanation. I was conducting field experiments…

Yep, field experiments. I saw this opportunity as a chance to finally perform some long overdue field experiments like “what would not sleeping at the bus station be like?” or “entering a house through a front door instead of a broken window”. The main source of yellow tinted scuttlebutt has been the allegations that I broke my sobriety. Lies! All lies! I was merely testing a new method of sobriety I was inventing called “quantum sobriety”. See like quantum physics as opposed the regular physics the rules of quantum sobriety are much more different and complex than boring old normal sobriety but are also exceedingly tough for the un-savvy to understand.

In quantum sobriety one can drink several drinks and champagne glasses filled with vodka and GHB while still remaining sober, see the high getting substances flow past me quantumly. Though I may have appeared drunk I was merely expressing quantum sobriety decompression which makes one appear dizzy and sloppy.

However this sort of quantum experimenting and altered state can cause embarrassment and a contract with VH1 to do celebrity rehab followed by sober house and one show to be announced (Real Chance of Crack is the working title). I from now on will only get drunk, smoke weed, smoke crack, do meth, and will no longer lick toads (unless it’s for science), huff glue (intentionally, I do use a lot of glue when I‘m sciencing), or hold my breath to get a space monkey. From now on I am completely sober, that’s right sober S-O-B-R, sober.

The iPad Is The Future Of Coke Tables!

After months of ceaseless balbutient scuttlebutt about the unveiling of Apple’s newest tablet it was no wonder I became disillusioned and even rueful of the iPad. I felt that tablets were simply whim, nothing more than an impennate technology that wouldn’t even reach proximity close enough to the sun to crash and burn. Of course as a trusted (not by the police obviously) technology writer my opinion on such trends is highly sought after and valued so as a duty to my readers I knew eventually I would have give it a gander.

Roughly a fortnight ago (I tend to lose track of time while experimenting, your science and nosebleeds and all) my tech guy T-Bo (no that isn’t an Asian name) had informed that he had recently come to possess a brand new iPad whose serial numbers had mysteriously been scratched off. After assuring me that his recent acquisition was in no relation affiliated with Steve Wozniak getting mugged two towns over and that he in fact had Steve Wozniak’s wallet to prove it (The Woz would never let a mugger borrow his wallet) we decided to give it a test run.

After cracking the password protection (some dizzy Apple worker must have inadvertently activated it) which was humorously “Bonerking-Steve” we proceeded with our inquisition. At first it appeared to be much like an iphone with Safari, itunes, email, photo album (no camera though), notes, etc… Then I noticed one huge and shocking difference. It was much bigger. I had thought for a moment that I was libated with some sort of size distorting indulgence but all for not it was actually bigger than the iphone.

T-Bo whose occupation with the device’s digital features had faded at this juncture calmly inquired about its analog features to be specific he said “Let’s do some blow off this mutherf*cker”. After presenting an eight ball we laid the iPad down and were eager to test the iPad’s analog features to the extreme. We set up a simple test course of bumps and rails and began (I imagine Steve Jobs has already done the same tests but has not yet published his results). As I snorted my way through itunes I was able to download “My Prerogative” and play it with a simple sniffle. Then two lines later I was emailing threats to Whitney and reading the latest science news of PhysOrg.

Despite its excellent capacity as a surface for cocaine use there are some detractors from the iPad. For example razor blades tend to scratch up the touch screen which smudges easily. Another drawback is that the battery is not removable therefore making it impossible to attach to my nipples. The last and largest flaw is that the iPad has no ability to toast bread. Besides those short misgivings I would say that the iPad is the most amazing coke table ever made, in fact I would go as far as saying if this device came out 20 years ago me and the execs on Wall Street would have gotten 100 times the amount of work done. On Bobby Brown’s felony scale I give the iPad a shocking “Pushing your grandmother down a flight of stairs while giving a back alley abortion to Laura Bush” so about a 3 out of 5 rocks.

P.S. Apple in your next gen iPad I would suggest you include a hollow nose ready stylus with a credit card sorting edge.