New Ion Drive Will Exponentially Increase The Speed At Which I Out Run My Creditors

39 days to Mars? That’s right with the new ion drive created by Ad Astra Rocket Company they believe they have a propulsion system that can send a man to Mars in the period it takes for me to go to prison, get out, violate my probation, and get sent back to prison (I’ve pretty much streamlined it, I’m like the Henry Ford of falling off the crack wagon). Such a possibility had me so enthralled I simply had to try out this new technology for myself. Of course I couldn’t just march up to Ad Astra and grab one! See when you’re dealing with a brand new technology that everyone wants to get their hands on you’ve got to have some serious security measures, like a guy at the gate with a picture of Bobby Brown that says “Banned For Indecent Exposure”. Long story short, pointing out the similarities between the shape of their new plasma rocket and your old pocket rocket don’t go over so well at Ad Astra. Luckily I had a gold chain to bribe the guard and was able to steal some blue prints left in the john.

Next all I had to do was build an ion drive of my own. Since I had already maxed out my credits cards (do you know how hard it is to max out a Visa Black? They don’t even have credit limits!) I had to get creative with finding parts. It took great cunning to acquire the necessary parts but eventually Whitney fell asleep and I was able to steal her credit card and go down to Radioshack. After building the ion drive I had yet another obstacle to overcome. That obstacle? Acquiring an automobile to mount it on. With my credit maxed out and Whitney pulling the old “call the credit card company and tell them Bobby is committing credit card fraud again” move it was impossible for me to find an auto loan. Also my creditors legal and illegal were becoming increasing interested in repossessing my belongings and lungs. So right now I’ve got my ion drive and a dollar fifty in change and I’m headed down to the bus stop to implore the drivers to allow me to upgrade their vehicles, hey I paid my $1.50 and it’s a public bus and I’m the public!

Why Is The Government Banning My Research On Miracle Substance Methylbenzoylecgonine?

Recently my private lab was stormed by Philistine government thugs! Apparently research on the miracle substance methylbenzoylecgonine was banned like so many other controversial substances. I should not be surprised though, the US government has always been less than enlightened when it comes to research in the curative fields. From stem cell research bans to bans on DMSO (a chemical derived from wood pulp which has the amazing ability to absorb through the skin which is believed to cure some types of arthritis) and even studies on cannabinoids. What is methylbenzoylecgonine you ask? Well methylbenzoylecgonine is a miracle chemical which has shown remarkable curative ability when treating lethargy, is known to promote energy which helps combat obesity, stimulate unique mental activity, and even hinders post pubescent teething. Well it looks like this is just another casualty of big pharmaceutical money and the greedy agenda of an ignorant government. The sad thing is our own CIA most likely invented methylbenzoylecgonine but once the demand grew and they realized it could help people (mainly me) they banned it! Please don’t let the government stop you from learning about this miracle substance you can find information about methylbenzoylecgonine here or out back of your local library.

Yo Dinosaurs Be Fucked Up And Shit!

Yo I was think’n today that those dinosaurs… You know those big fuck’n lizard things? They be like fucked up and shit!

Yo I was down at the Western Union cash’n my New Edition Reunion tour check so I decided to celebrate… You know celebrate. So I was smoke’n some rocks down by the Children’s room at the library (The adult library people have some stupid rules about not smoke’n crack in the library, I know it’s bull, yo they should put up sign that says “no smoking crack” if they don’t want people smoke’n crack) So I was gett’n my rock on with the young’uns when some little homie came up to me and roared! Little motherfucker said he was T-Rex and I almost believed him too. Little dude was convince’n. Then the little homie showed me this paper book called “Dinosaurs” or something, wait maybe it was called “Bonfire Of The Vanities”. I don't know, I'm still high as a mother fucker!

Yo there was like so many giant bugs… I mean like lizards, but they ain’t lizards! They’re like giant too, almost as big as me after I left New Edition! They’re old too, real fuck’n old! Man these things are scary! Lucky they only existed in like the 1930’s in Jolly Old England, I wouldn’t want to run into one of them you’d have to know karate or something or they would fuck your ass up. That’s cool though I’m street smart if I ran into a T-Rex I’d be like “yo” and then “snap” and I’d like pimp slap that giant razor toothed motherfucker in the jaw. If I can take on a pissed off Whitney dinosaurs don’t stand a chance. Speaking of which Whitney is getting pretty old soon she’ll be a dinosaur. Oh shit I think she’s home later sciencey peoples!