It’s Time We Stop Testing On Animals And Start Testing On Criminals!

Rarely do I come out for humanitarian since I was unfairly incarcerated for my political action group “Save Whitney From Another Beat’n By Gett’n Me Some Mo’Cocaine” or since my branch of Amnesty International focused solely on my own prison cell failed. One thing Bobby Brown cares about is injustices, in fact I care so much I commit most of them myself just so I can get into the sick mind on the guy who gets arrested for humping some fine ass parking meters or the monster who pisses in Whitney’s hot tub when she got them cucumbers slices on her eyes and can’t see me doing it.

One thing I won’t tolerate is injustice to animals, unless it’s funny like putting peanut butter on the roof of Michael Jackson’s cock biting chimp’s mouth or Michael Vick is about to lose the bet in that back room spotted owl fight. I’m talking about animal testing. Not all animal testing, not like testing make up on a horse so they can figure what shade of rouge will make Sarah Jessica Parker look human in the next Sluts In The City movie or testing a kick ass new experimental baseball bat on a box of baby marmosets. Those things I understand, I’m talking testing dangerous and possibly fun drugs on innocent animals that can’t even pay for their drug habits.


I’m talking about a recent test in which snails were given methamphetamine to see how it affects their memory. Now I’m not saying meth won’t cure their ADD or hay fever but why test meth on ungrateful snails when there are plenty of prisoners eager to test meth, I think for once medical testing protocol should be streamlined. The poor snail never asked to be on meth but I’ve asked for meth tons of times! Not I’m not saying you should test makeup and hair products on prisoners, things might get a bit too romantic up in the ass if you know what I mean, up in the ass. However I don’t see the harm in giving me a dangerous drug that may one day cure sobriety. Think about it America, we could cure sobriety in me some day.

Dear President Obama If You Are Serious About Propagating Science Allow My Independent Research On Crack Cocaine

Last week’s State of the Union address has me elated and suspicious of the Obama administration. In the past heads of state have made vainglory promises to fund such noble pursuits as education and scientific research, from building cities on the moon to flying to mars and have even supported such ridiculous implausible notions as “saying no to drugs”. Why is it then that these same officials pass laws that restrict legitimate research like limiting cell stem use and taking away the Plutonium I bought at NASA’s garage sale? Banning things that could greatly benefit society like DMSO, marijuana, and assault rifles without allowing them to be properly tested and analyzed (my assault rifle research was tragically cut short at the liquor store as I was acquiring a research grant by some uncouth police who wanted to research their night sticks all over my black ass).

Though many of the lab accomplices…. I mean assistants here in… Not jail were overjoyed to see a man of the same complexion in the Whitehouse (even if he was just there to steal the TV) but I remain apprehensive. Until you authorize all my “research” with a prescription pad of presidential pardons (and an actual prescription pad for other needs). And another thing you’re the first black man in the white house as President and you’re all uppity talk’n bout being a “servant” to the people of America. What’s wrong with you black man in the white house talking about being a servant. You ain’t better than me, you just another black man gett’n a government check and government housing. Speaking of which it has been kind of you to put me up in so many of your government run maximum security “labs” but I think I need to go off and do some free research.


Also if you want to prove you’re serious about funding scientific research you’ll reinstate my funding via the “welfare” system. But this time you will force Tito (my reputable methylbenzoylecgonine supplier) to honor your “food stamps” and every now and then send me a new gold chain and a note that says “yo good job with the stealing of that stuff from the pawn shop Bobby”. Access to air force one for flights to Columbia and back may also be discussed and if it’s not too much trouble I need you to pick up a package from my boy Julio next time your down there. We’re bros right B-Rack?

Hopefully I’ll see you at GW’s next coke party and we can talk some more.

But Can They Regrow The Gold Teeth I Pawned?

A mere two decades ago talk of regrowing missing teeth would have been derided as pachyglossal foolhardiness but with the recent amelioration of cellular research it appears to have entered the domain of reality. According to this it is now possible to implant a ball of cells in the area and in a couple months a new tooth is fully formed. If most people are anything like me and lose several teeth each month than this will revolutionize the way we see orthodontic care.

The only problem I see is that so far they’ve only been able regrow conventional teeth not more malleable advanced constructs such as the teeth I became accustomed to. During the 1990’s I was ahead of the curb and jumped on the orthodontic bullet train known as gold teeth. Not only was my smile shinier and brighter than that of the averaged toothed individual but they’re cavity proof and are assets that can be randomly accessed if need be. The only problem with gold teeth is that they have a very low shelf life. It seems that every time Bobby Brown needs to pay the crack bill out come the pliers and Bobby Brown DDS is mining for gold.

If scientists could somehow either….. Pay my crack dealer…. Or make it so every 4-5 days if wake up with a mouth full of homegrown gold teeth this advancement would seem more worthwhile. While we’re on the subject of regrowing things I would like let Whitney know, if she’s reading this (Yeah that’s right bitch the miracle of the internet allows our love to stay in blossom even from 500 feet away at all times.) that you need to “regrow” some credit because I maxed out your Mastercard and nobody is taking that piece of crap Discover card.

Silly Astronomers, You Can Find The Same Atmosphere In My Living Room

I would like to apologize for the unexpected hiatus as my last entry left my loyal readers with several unanswered questions like “Hey Bobby where’s the money you owe, bitch!” and “What is the most effective to donate sperm from jail?”. First I’ll explain where I have been, as many of you know I have a working relationship with the U.S. justice department and every so often when they deem fit I am cloistered away to one of their many facilities in order to continue my research on subjects like “not smoking crack for months at a time” and “Shank durability tests”. Though my contact with the outside world is limited during these periods (unless you have an extraordinarily large rectal cavity, which is what I have been avoiding) I did run across this.

It is as I have feared, the field of astronomy has become lethargic in my absence. An atmosphere of gaseous rock? I’m sorry astronomers but even Whitney has seen this before even through her most blackened of eyes. This atmosphere is no interstellar oddity I have myself isolated such an atmosphere within the confines of my own apartment! Despite complaints from the neighbors! I have also done extensive research on its effects on the human body as well! I have dubbed it not only safe to breath but quite invigorating! Though I have been forbidden from future experiments in this area in the U.S. I believe Portugal may allow me to continue my research. I have been deemed too valuable a scientist by the U.S. to leave for now in fact it has been requested that I do not leave my apartment and wear a special ankle bracelet. Until my parole… I mean my “government contract” is up I may have to continue my research in fields such as “getting high and running naked through Baby Gap” secret. Namaste!

Why Is The Government Banning My Research On Miracle Substance Methylbenzoylecgonine?

Recently my private lab was stormed by Philistine government thugs! Apparently research on the miracle substance methylbenzoylecgonine was banned like so many other controversial substances. I should not be surprised though, the US government has always been less than enlightened when it comes to research in the curative fields. From stem cell research bans to bans on DMSO (a chemical derived from wood pulp which has the amazing ability to absorb through the skin which is believed to cure some types of arthritis) and even studies on cannabinoids. What is methylbenzoylecgonine you ask? Well methylbenzoylecgonine is a miracle chemical which has shown remarkable curative ability when treating lethargy, is known to promote energy which helps combat obesity, stimulate unique mental activity, and even hinders post pubescent teething. Well it looks like this is just another casualty of big pharmaceutical money and the greedy agenda of an ignorant government. The sad thing is our own CIA most likely invented methylbenzoylecgonine but once the demand grew and they realized it could help people (mainly me) they banned it! Please don’t let the government stop you from learning about this miracle substance you can find information about methylbenzoylecgonine here or out back of your local library.