I'll Be In Jail For Christmas/I Hit Whitney For Kissing Santa Claus

Tis the season to be merry, a season of miracle. Not Jesus, walking on water is no feat if you understand that water has a solid state known as “ice”. I am talking about miracle of physics and thermodynamics that is Santa Claus. A sleigh that travels around the globe making millions of deliveries within a 24 hour period? An obese gentleman who can defy spacial dimensions on Earth and fit down chimneys? A man who can beat a breaking and entering rap simply by reputation alone? Yes Santa is quite the amazing character.

A long fascination of mine was the gadgetry of Dr. Chris Cringle and this year I was hoping to recreate some of Santa’s research. First of course is the sleigh, a miracle of time and space. At first I was under the impression that the sleigh could travel such long distances in a short time by opening wormholes but quickly realized a wormhole on Earth large enough for a sleigh, Santa, and 8 tiny reindeer (not to mention a cargo of presents) would cause quite the atmospheric disturbance (especially since we’re not entirely sure how a wormhole would react in an actual planetary atmosphere, but theories suggest not good.) There is the possibility that Santa’s sleigh has quantum properties that allow it exist in many different spaces at the same time while keeping a fixed central location and allowing the globe to move around the sleigh as it projects “gateway sleighs” to many locations on a delay. Sort of like tossing a quantum rope ladder that has enough adjustable slack to allow the ship to move without pulling away the ladder. After enjoying some holiday snow and smoking a couple “Yule Rocks” the answer came to me… Santa’s sleigh is able to move so fast because… It’s the color red. I’m not sure how I came upon this result but I’m sure it was sound logic. I mean red does look like a fast color and it is one of the longest wavelengths. I had recalled that there were red vehicles being kept at the fire station down the street. Realizing that these vehicles were paid for by public tax dollars and me being the public I figured that borrowing one of them would be cogent, if I do in future begin to pay taxes.

The next obstacle I faced in understanding Clausian physics was his seemingly mercurial mass dampening habiliments. What plausible materials could be used for such miracle garments? Not to be hauteur I realized that clothing and fashion are not my most adroit studies so I decided to consult Whitney’s closet. After a slight scuffle with security and a brisk but invigorating climb through her second story bedroom window I was ready to do some field research. After testing several of her fine gowns on I realized her gowns, particularly the ones with horizontal stripes made my mass appear to grow when consulting the mirror. I stumbled upon an old box of spandex leotards. It appeared to streamline my figure so I absconded with a pair.

I was off to test my theory, searching for houses with chimneys and flat screen televisions (at the time I knew flat screen televisions and other high end electronic equipment were important but I fail to remember my reasoning currently). As I was searching for temporarily unoccupied houses with chimney access I faced another dilemma I had not accounted for. I had begun shaking which I assumed was from the cold. I had to take action quick to stop the shaking. Recalling my thermodynamic training I realized that if I could trap a heated layer of liquid between myself and the spandex it would act similar to that of a wet suit. I hastily expelled the heated liquid from my bladder into my makeshift wetsuit. Unfortunately the spandex was not water tight so I needed something more substantial. Luckily I had a perfect biodegradable, natural insulant nestled within my own colon. I released my bowels into the suit and attempted to distribute it evenly about my person.

I soon found an appropriate house to test my theories. As I approached the house I ran into my second dilemma. I had forgotten that chimneys are usually roof adjacent making them inaccessible from the ground despite how many times I jumped up and down or told my legs to “grow now mutherfucker, I want to be ten more feet like that other time.”. Huzzah! A stroke of luck, as I was wishing my legs grow I realized my vehicle was equipped with a ladder! I pulled the vehicle up to the house and climbed the ladder to the roof and struggled my way down the chimney. As I was doing so the soot and ash filled my lungs. Some men would have buckled and come back with a breathing apparatus but I simply put away my crack pipe and continued down the chimney.

Getting down the chimney was easy but getting up… while carrying a flat screen television… Not as easy. Luckily while backing up my vehicle to get the ladder close to the house I accidentally demolished the front wall. I figured the residents wouldn’t mind as missing the front of the house added an open spacious flow to the house. Now that my theories had been tested I was off to Whitney’s to return the borrowed spandex and analyze my findings (my landlord has expressly stated no volatile experiments in the apartment).

Whitney greeted me at the door at which point I gave her a deep kiss. As I was kissing her I noticed in the mirror that a man was kissing Whitney. He was in a Santa hat so I assumed that bastard St. Nick was making moves on my woman. I stopped kissing Whitney and man in the mirror appeared to have stopped kissing her too. It seemed that Whitney was a cheating whore so gave her a slight scolding… Repeatedly.. Just enough to bruise my knuckles. Security had the police come and bring me to jail.

That was several months ago, mid July I believe but the trial was three days ago and they gave me several months for domestic abuse and a Santa size list of other charges. I was unable to post this blog on Christmas because I was stuck in a local holding cell as opposed to my usual cell.

Note: After posting this blog Disney threatened to sue good ol’Bobby Brown for copyright infringement, apparently my story is the exact plot of their movie “The Santa Claus” and it’s sequels with Tim Allen (without the scientific prowess of course).

How I Saved The World From Tomatoes

Though I am not sure how credible the source of this article is and in fact the level of research that went into it I’m very excited to see that there are still several people who remember the carnivorous tomato invasion of the 1980’s. Documented in a film and then a cartoon series the attack of the killer tomatoes actually happened. In fact I myself was a freedom fighter against the tomatoes, never on the national level but on the local level… Freelance. You see around 1989 I was watching some Showtime in my at then time mansion (now known as Young MC’s ex-mansion) and I took a quick look up from my “smoke filled research beaker” to see a shocking news report of carnivorous tomatoes raging throughout the countryside. As a snappy dressed sciencing professional I realized I must take action. Energy flowed through me so I quickly declared myself local commander of a Bobby Brown police action. I ran around my empty mansion and rounded up a militia composed of my butler, the maid, Invisible Art Carnie, The Cookie Monster, Olympia Dukakis, and a magical flying sandwich who carried the “carnivorous tomato antibody” (a slice of tomato infused with mayonnaise).

After seconds of intense military strategy the Bobby Brown anti-tomato militia armed themselves, me with my trusty “Hell no you ain’t repossess’n my car” baseball bat. The others with armaments found within the house. After patrolling my property I had noticed a stronghold of nightshade vegetables had managed to penetrate my neighbor’s garden. I climbed the perimeter fence and ventured deep into the tomato compound. I began thrashing the enemy with my bat and yelling my battle mantra “Fuck yo tomatoes, nigga!”. The guard tomatoes had become alerted and turned on the perimeter lights sending out a giant tomato soldier cleverly disguised as my neighbor. The sandwich and I tackled him and I held him down while the sandwich deployed its antibodies in his throat.

Before I could finish applying the sandwich the police had pulled me away and detained me. The police were clearly in on the conspiracy. Around day break the police had become corrupt and agreed to free in exchange for a bribe they were calling “bail”. After paying bail I was released and frantically searched the media for updates on the tomato holocaust. The government had clearly suppressed media coverage of the incident. The police report was also doctored to say I was spotted yelling gibberish and bashing tomatoes with a baseball bat and when confronted by the property owner I held him down and forced a sandwich in his mouth while yelling “eat the fucking sandwich, man eating tomato”. At least the daily mail has enough journalistic credibility to expose the truth.