Addressing My Quantum Sobriety On Celebrity Fit Club

Though I do not usually use this blog to talk about my personal problems or address public media speculation today I have been levied to do so. I feel that I owe my Bobby Brown Loyalists an explanation for the recent events on show “Celebrity Fit Club: Boot Camp”. I understand that the presence of such an esteemed figure as myself on a VH1 reality show is bound to seem sordid or as novelty at the very least, like a desperate pathetic move to get attention under the guise of physical aesthetic prowess.

It may seem like Bobby Brown may have simply been looking to vainly experience such former luxuries as sleeping on an actual mattress or being trusted around a house full of easily stolen light bulbs. Well it may come as quite the bewilderment but I have proven many the hayseed with my latest venture.

Suspense must always drop its suspenders under the force of gravity so it is time for me to put the laws of gravity back in effect. I desperately wanted to keep my true reasons for being on the show clandestine but I feel that I owe my loyalists an explanation. I was conducting field experiments…

Yep, field experiments. I saw this opportunity as a chance to finally perform some long overdue field experiments like “what would not sleeping at the bus station be like?” or “entering a house through a front door instead of a broken window”. The main source of yellow tinted scuttlebutt has been the allegations that I broke my sobriety. Lies! All lies! I was merely testing a new method of sobriety I was inventing called “quantum sobriety”. See like quantum physics as opposed the regular physics the rules of quantum sobriety are much more different and complex than boring old normal sobriety but are also exceedingly tough for the un-savvy to understand.

In quantum sobriety one can drink several drinks and champagne glasses filled with vodka and GHB while still remaining sober, see the high getting substances flow past me quantumly. Though I may have appeared drunk I was merely expressing quantum sobriety decompression which makes one appear dizzy and sloppy.

However this sort of quantum experimenting and altered state can cause embarrassment and a contract with VH1 to do celebrity rehab followed by sober house and one show to be announced (Real Chance of Crack is the working title). I from now on will only get drunk, smoke weed, smoke crack, do meth, and will no longer lick toads (unless it’s for science), huff glue (intentionally, I do use a lot of glue when I‘m sciencing), or hold my breath to get a space monkey. From now on I am completely sober, that’s right sober S-O-B-R, sober.

The iPad Is The Future Of Coke Tables!

After months of ceaseless balbutient scuttlebutt about the unveiling of Apple’s newest tablet it was no wonder I became disillusioned and even rueful of the iPad. I felt that tablets were simply whim, nothing more than an impennate technology that wouldn’t even reach proximity close enough to the sun to crash and burn. Of course as a trusted (not by the police obviously) technology writer my opinion on such trends is highly sought after and valued so as a duty to my readers I knew eventually I would have give it a gander.

Roughly a fortnight ago (I tend to lose track of time while experimenting, your science and nosebleeds and all) my tech guy T-Bo (no that isn’t an Asian name) had informed that he had recently come to possess a brand new iPad whose serial numbers had mysteriously been scratched off. After assuring me that his recent acquisition was in no relation affiliated with Steve Wozniak getting mugged two towns over and that he in fact had Steve Wozniak’s wallet to prove it (The Woz would never let a mugger borrow his wallet) we decided to give it a test run.

After cracking the password protection (some dizzy Apple worker must have inadvertently activated it) which was humorously “Bonerking-Steve” we proceeded with our inquisition. At first it appeared to be much like an iphone with Safari, itunes, email, photo album (no camera though), notes, etc… Then I noticed one huge and shocking difference. It was much bigger. I had thought for a moment that I was libated with some sort of size distorting indulgence but all for not it was actually bigger than the iphone.

T-Bo whose occupation with the device’s digital features had faded at this juncture calmly inquired about its analog features to be specific he said “Let’s do some blow off this mutherf*cker”. After presenting an eight ball we laid the iPad down and were eager to test the iPad’s analog features to the extreme. We set up a simple test course of bumps and rails and began (I imagine Steve Jobs has already done the same tests but has not yet published his results). As I snorted my way through itunes I was able to download “My Prerogative” and play it with a simple sniffle. Then two lines later I was emailing threats to Whitney and reading the latest science news of PhysOrg.

Despite its excellent capacity as a surface for cocaine use there are some detractors from the iPad. For example razor blades tend to scratch up the touch screen which smudges easily. Another drawback is that the battery is not removable therefore making it impossible to attach to my nipples. The last and largest flaw is that the iPad has no ability to toast bread. Besides those short misgivings I would say that the iPad is the most amazing coke table ever made, in fact I would go as far as saying if this device came out 20 years ago me and the execs on Wall Street would have gotten 100 times the amount of work done. On Bobby Brown’s felony scale I give the iPad a shocking “Pushing your grandmother down a flight of stairs while giving a back alley abortion to Laura Bush” so about a 3 out of 5 rocks.

P.S. Apple in your next gen iPad I would suggest you include a hollow nose ready stylus with a credit card sorting edge.

How I Saved The World From Tomatoes

Though I am not sure how credible the source of this article is and in fact the level of research that went into it I’m very excited to see that there are still several people who remember the carnivorous tomato invasion of the 1980’s. Documented in a film and then a cartoon series the attack of the killer tomatoes actually happened. In fact I myself was a freedom fighter against the tomatoes, never on the national level but on the local level… Freelance. You see around 1989 I was watching some Showtime in my at then time mansion (now known as Young MC’s ex-mansion) and I took a quick look up from my “smoke filled research beaker” to see a shocking news report of carnivorous tomatoes raging throughout the countryside. As a snappy dressed sciencing professional I realized I must take action. Energy flowed through me so I quickly declared myself local commander of a Bobby Brown police action. I ran around my empty mansion and rounded up a militia composed of my butler, the maid, Invisible Art Carnie, The Cookie Monster, Olympia Dukakis, and a magical flying sandwich who carried the “carnivorous tomato antibody” (a slice of tomato infused with mayonnaise).

After seconds of intense military strategy the Bobby Brown anti-tomato militia armed themselves, me with my trusty “Hell no you ain’t repossess’n my car” baseball bat. The others with armaments found within the house. After patrolling my property I had noticed a stronghold of nightshade vegetables had managed to penetrate my neighbor’s garden. I climbed the perimeter fence and ventured deep into the tomato compound. I began thrashing the enemy with my bat and yelling my battle mantra “Fuck yo tomatoes, nigga!”. The guard tomatoes had become alerted and turned on the perimeter lights sending out a giant tomato soldier cleverly disguised as my neighbor. The sandwich and I tackled him and I held him down while the sandwich deployed its antibodies in his throat.

Before I could finish applying the sandwich the police had pulled me away and detained me. The police were clearly in on the conspiracy. Around day break the police had become corrupt and agreed to free in exchange for a bribe they were calling “bail”. After paying bail I was released and frantically searched the media for updates on the tomato holocaust. The government had clearly suppressed media coverage of the incident. The police report was also doctored to say I was spotted yelling gibberish and bashing tomatoes with a baseball bat and when confronted by the property owner I held him down and forced a sandwich in his mouth while yelling “eat the fucking sandwich, man eating tomato”. At least the daily mail has enough journalistic credibility to expose the truth.