Addressing My Quantum Sobriety On Celebrity Fit Club

Though I do not usually use this blog to talk about my personal problems or address public media speculation today I have been levied to do so. I feel that I owe my Bobby Brown Loyalists an explanation for the recent events on show “Celebrity Fit Club: Boot Camp”. I understand that the presence of such an esteemed figure as myself on a VH1 reality show is bound to seem sordid or as novelty at the very least, like a desperate pathetic move to get attention under the guise of physical aesthetic prowess.

It may seem like Bobby Brown may have simply been looking to vainly experience such former luxuries as sleeping on an actual mattress or being trusted around a house full of easily stolen light bulbs. Well it may come as quite the bewilderment but I have proven many the hayseed with my latest venture.

Suspense must always drop its suspenders under the force of gravity so it is time for me to put the laws of gravity back in effect. I desperately wanted to keep my true reasons for being on the show clandestine but I feel that I owe my loyalists an explanation. I was conducting field experiments…

Yep, field experiments. I saw this opportunity as a chance to finally perform some long overdue field experiments like “what would not sleeping at the bus station be like?” or “entering a house through a front door instead of a broken window”. The main source of yellow tinted scuttlebutt has been the allegations that I broke my sobriety. Lies! All lies! I was merely testing a new method of sobriety I was inventing called “quantum sobriety”. See like quantum physics as opposed the regular physics the rules of quantum sobriety are much more different and complex than boring old normal sobriety but are also exceedingly tough for the un-savvy to understand.

In quantum sobriety one can drink several drinks and champagne glasses filled with vodka and GHB while still remaining sober, see the high getting substances flow past me quantumly. Though I may have appeared drunk I was merely expressing quantum sobriety decompression which makes one appear dizzy and sloppy.

However this sort of quantum experimenting and altered state can cause embarrassment and a contract with VH1 to do celebrity rehab followed by sober house and one show to be announced (Real Chance of Crack is the working title). I from now on will only get drunk, smoke weed, smoke crack, do meth, and will no longer lick toads (unless it’s for science), huff glue (intentionally, I do use a lot of glue when I‘m sciencing), or hold my breath to get a space monkey. From now on I am completely sober, that’s right sober S-O-B-R, sober.

But Can They Regrow The Gold Teeth I Pawned?

A mere two decades ago talk of regrowing missing teeth would have been derided as pachyglossal foolhardiness but with the recent amelioration of cellular research it appears to have entered the domain of reality. According to this it is now possible to implant a ball of cells in the area and in a couple months a new tooth is fully formed. If most people are anything like me and lose several teeth each month than this will revolutionize the way we see orthodontic care.

The only problem I see is that so far they’ve only been able regrow conventional teeth not more malleable advanced constructs such as the teeth I became accustomed to. During the 1990’s I was ahead of the curb and jumped on the orthodontic bullet train known as gold teeth. Not only was my smile shinier and brighter than that of the averaged toothed individual but they’re cavity proof and are assets that can be randomly accessed if need be. The only problem with gold teeth is that they have a very low shelf life. It seems that every time Bobby Brown needs to pay the crack bill out come the pliers and Bobby Brown DDS is mining for gold.

If scientists could somehow either….. Pay my crack dealer…. Or make it so every 4-5 days if wake up with a mouth full of homegrown gold teeth this advancement would seem more worthwhile. While we’re on the subject of regrowing things I would like let Whitney know, if she’s reading this (Yeah that’s right bitch the miracle of the internet allows our love to stay in blossom even from 500 feet away at all times.) that you need to “regrow” some credit because I maxed out your Mastercard and nobody is taking that piece of crap Discover card.

Technology I Look Forward To In This New Decade

Huzzah and salutations technology enthusiasts! 2010 is upon us and that means great speculation among science and technology enthusiasts like myself. Though the last decade has birthed the proliferation of Earth changing technologies like stem cell research, green energy, Large Hadron Colliders, text messaging, and blankets with sleeves on them it’s time to look forward to a new crop of burgeoning technologies that will hopefully spring legs in this decade.

Below are several technologies that are on my “wish list” for the future.

Self loosening hand cuffs:

A technology that is long over do, countless times I’ve encounter handcuffs that have absolutely nothing in the way of user friendly interface. I’m yet to find police handcuffs that are wearer friendly. With a few simple design changes the cuffs could allow the wearer to tighten, loosen, or take off the cuffs. Handcuff/wearer interface would be revolutionized greatly.

A Ghost Riding Skateboard:

We’ve all become familiar with the term “ghost ride the whip” when applied to automobiles but it still lacks application to other types of vehicles such as boats, passenger trains, airplanes, and skateboards. If I could only get off a skateboard that is moving and watch it move without being on it… It could cure world hunger, I’m sure how though.

Police Proof Doors:

A long time passion of mine that would dramatically improve the daily life of hundreds of thousands of Bobby Brown’s worldwide. The police are constantly breaking down my door and interrupting my research for miniscule infractions like not paying child support and setting nursing homes on fire while making off with prescription meds and copper wire from the walls. If only there were some sort of door that could keep the police out I’ve tried half a dozen methods from stealing white people’s doors and putting them on my apartment to smearing my own feces on a screen door but nothing has worked! I’ve even went as far as posting a picture of a policeman with stink lines on my door with the words “police keep out” scrolled on it but it didn’t stop them from raiding my simple honest meth lab.

Candy Jail Cells:

While incarcerated I often find myself getting hungry between meals, especially on days full of shankings. Most of the time I find that the guards are simply too busy with beating me to fetch me a snack. I realize that adding a kitchenette to the cells are out of the question since many of my crimes involve microwaves but if you simply used more edible building materials prisoners wouldn’t face this problem and could snack at will. Traditional metal and concrete designs have been known to break Bobby Brown’s teeth and taste only slightly better than Jack in the Box, while a cell made of candy would be fun for the whole organized crime family! It has been said that obesity is the worst prison of all since the prison is your own body (reference: Lifetime Channel) so candy jail cells will be an unimaginable punishment for some.

Neon Pants That Stay Popular:

Wearing pants is an unfortunate side effect of life. It seems like every time Bobby Brown forgets to wear pants in public I’m charged with a sex crime. The only pants worth wearing are neon ones. Neon is of the superior ultra-visible light spectrum so it is ideal for attracting people to your pants. Unfortunately the fashion world is fickle and yet to realize that neon pants are the ultimate fashion statement and that Bobby Brown doesn’t have the money to buy new pants.

Bobby Brown Food Between Two Slices Of Bread Mobile Meal:

This one is a little invention I came up with one night while I was rocked out of my skull. I got hungry and raided the cupboards of the Riley’s. There wasn’t much food in kitchen as the Riley’s were on vacation and had psychically asked me to watch their house (they even asked me to pawn their belongings for them so they would be safe). I jittered to the kitchen and somehow sandwiched meat, cheese, lettuce, and mayo between two slices of bread. The Riley’s came home early and I had to jump out the window or violate our unwritten psychic bond. As I was running I became aware that my mobile bread creation was still in my hand and still together. I’ve tried running with hands full of spaghetti or running with soup cupped in my hands but even the thickest stew it tough to run with. This sliced bread package was truly convenient and deserved a closer examination. Hopefully by the year 2016 the Bobby Brown sliced bread port-a-meal will go into full production.

Delocator Devices and Personal Locators:

It seems like when someone is trying to locate you there are plenty of devices that assist the locator. From Tom Tom’s to ankle bracelets they have all the technology. But what about someone who needs to disappear real fast? I’m not sure how this technology would work possibly via quantum refraction but I do know that I have been unable to locate myself in the past. That brings me to personal locator devices. Often I’ve been unable to locate myself even in my own apartment, if only I had something that would tell me “yo Bobby you’re right here, the guy holding this device” it would save me hours of looking for myself.

Field of Study that I’d like to see the most research go into: Pro-Theft Technology

Billions of dollars go into anti-theft research but hardly any money goes into pro-theft technology. It seems like companies are wasting money making it harder for Bobby Brown to steal. From voice activated car alarms to exploding ink packets anti-theft technology has overshadowed pro-theft technology. Just once I’d like to steal a sweater from Sears and instead of getting ink all over me have a voice chip say “Thank you for stealing me Bobby, I’ll look good on you” or a car that speeds up and takes you someplace nice when you steal it. Pro-theft devices have yet to be implemented by big chain stores and I see this hurting my personal economy in the future. I would like to suggest TV manufacturers install robotic legs on their larger sets so they can run away from their rightful owner’s right into Bobby Brown’s Geo Metro. Pro-Theft technology will guide America into the future, a future where we embrace our debts and start stealing to pay them off (Pro-Oil Theft technology is still way ahead of the curve in the U.S. though.)

Only the next 10 years will tell but things like biomimicry, perpetual energy, gene therapy, and space exploration will be a foolhardy use of funds and time while neon pants research goes ignored.

To the future and beyond friends!

I'll Be In Jail For Christmas/I Hit Whitney For Kissing Santa Claus

Tis the season to be merry, a season of miracle. Not Jesus, walking on water is no feat if you understand that water has a solid state known as “ice”. I am talking about miracle of physics and thermodynamics that is Santa Claus. A sleigh that travels around the globe making millions of deliveries within a 24 hour period? An obese gentleman who can defy spacial dimensions on Earth and fit down chimneys? A man who can beat a breaking and entering rap simply by reputation alone? Yes Santa is quite the amazing character.

A long fascination of mine was the gadgetry of Dr. Chris Cringle and this year I was hoping to recreate some of Santa’s research. First of course is the sleigh, a miracle of time and space. At first I was under the impression that the sleigh could travel such long distances in a short time by opening wormholes but quickly realized a wormhole on Earth large enough for a sleigh, Santa, and 8 tiny reindeer (not to mention a cargo of presents) would cause quite the atmospheric disturbance (especially since we’re not entirely sure how a wormhole would react in an actual planetary atmosphere, but theories suggest not good.) There is the possibility that Santa’s sleigh has quantum properties that allow it exist in many different spaces at the same time while keeping a fixed central location and allowing the globe to move around the sleigh as it projects “gateway sleighs” to many locations on a delay. Sort of like tossing a quantum rope ladder that has enough adjustable slack to allow the ship to move without pulling away the ladder. After enjoying some holiday snow and smoking a couple “Yule Rocks” the answer came to me… Santa’s sleigh is able to move so fast because… It’s the color red. I’m not sure how I came upon this result but I’m sure it was sound logic. I mean red does look like a fast color and it is one of the longest wavelengths. I had recalled that there were red vehicles being kept at the fire station down the street. Realizing that these vehicles were paid for by public tax dollars and me being the public I figured that borrowing one of them would be cogent, if I do in future begin to pay taxes.

The next obstacle I faced in understanding Clausian physics was his seemingly mercurial mass dampening habiliments. What plausible materials could be used for such miracle garments? Not to be hauteur I realized that clothing and fashion are not my most adroit studies so I decided to consult Whitney’s closet. After a slight scuffle with security and a brisk but invigorating climb through her second story bedroom window I was ready to do some field research. After testing several of her fine gowns on I realized her gowns, particularly the ones with horizontal stripes made my mass appear to grow when consulting the mirror. I stumbled upon an old box of spandex leotards. It appeared to streamline my figure so I absconded with a pair.

I was off to test my theory, searching for houses with chimneys and flat screen televisions (at the time I knew flat screen televisions and other high end electronic equipment were important but I fail to remember my reasoning currently). As I was searching for temporarily unoccupied houses with chimney access I faced another dilemma I had not accounted for. I had begun shaking which I assumed was from the cold. I had to take action quick to stop the shaking. Recalling my thermodynamic training I realized that if I could trap a heated layer of liquid between myself and the spandex it would act similar to that of a wet suit. I hastily expelled the heated liquid from my bladder into my makeshift wetsuit. Unfortunately the spandex was not water tight so I needed something more substantial. Luckily I had a perfect biodegradable, natural insulant nestled within my own colon. I released my bowels into the suit and attempted to distribute it evenly about my person.

I soon found an appropriate house to test my theories. As I approached the house I ran into my second dilemma. I had forgotten that chimneys are usually roof adjacent making them inaccessible from the ground despite how many times I jumped up and down or told my legs to “grow now mutherfucker, I want to be ten more feet like that other time.”. Huzzah! A stroke of luck, as I was wishing my legs grow I realized my vehicle was equipped with a ladder! I pulled the vehicle up to the house and climbed the ladder to the roof and struggled my way down the chimney. As I was doing so the soot and ash filled my lungs. Some men would have buckled and come back with a breathing apparatus but I simply put away my crack pipe and continued down the chimney.

Getting down the chimney was easy but getting up… while carrying a flat screen television… Not as easy. Luckily while backing up my vehicle to get the ladder close to the house I accidentally demolished the front wall. I figured the residents wouldn’t mind as missing the front of the house added an open spacious flow to the house. Now that my theories had been tested I was off to Whitney’s to return the borrowed spandex and analyze my findings (my landlord has expressly stated no volatile experiments in the apartment).

Whitney greeted me at the door at which point I gave her a deep kiss. As I was kissing her I noticed in the mirror that a man was kissing Whitney. He was in a Santa hat so I assumed that bastard St. Nick was making moves on my woman. I stopped kissing Whitney and man in the mirror appeared to have stopped kissing her too. It seemed that Whitney was a cheating whore so gave her a slight scolding… Repeatedly.. Just enough to bruise my knuckles. Security had the police come and bring me to jail.

That was several months ago, mid July I believe but the trial was three days ago and they gave me several months for domestic abuse and a Santa size list of other charges. I was unable to post this blog on Christmas because I was stuck in a local holding cell as opposed to my usual cell.

Note: After posting this blog Disney threatened to sue good ol’Bobby Brown for copyright infringement, apparently my story is the exact plot of their movie “The Santa Claus” and it’s sequels with Tim Allen (without the scientific prowess of course).