Addressing My Quantum Sobriety On Celebrity Fit Club

Though I do not usually use this blog to talk about my personal problems or address public media speculation today I have been levied to do so. I feel that I owe my Bobby Brown Loyalists an explanation for the recent events on show “Celebrity Fit Club: Boot Camp”. I understand that the presence of such an esteemed figure as myself on a VH1 reality show is bound to seem sordid or as novelty at the very least, like a desperate pathetic move to get attention under the guise of physical aesthetic prowess.

It may seem like Bobby Brown may have simply been looking to vainly experience such former luxuries as sleeping on an actual mattress or being trusted around a house full of easily stolen light bulbs. Well it may come as quite the bewilderment but I have proven many the hayseed with my latest venture.

Suspense must always drop its suspenders under the force of gravity so it is time for me to put the laws of gravity back in effect. I desperately wanted to keep my true reasons for being on the show clandestine but I feel that I owe my loyalists an explanation. I was conducting field experiments…

Yep, field experiments. I saw this opportunity as a chance to finally perform some long overdue field experiments like “what would not sleeping at the bus station be like?” or “entering a house through a front door instead of a broken window”. The main source of yellow tinted scuttlebutt has been the allegations that I broke my sobriety. Lies! All lies! I was merely testing a new method of sobriety I was inventing called “quantum sobriety”. See like quantum physics as opposed the regular physics the rules of quantum sobriety are much more different and complex than boring old normal sobriety but are also exceedingly tough for the un-savvy to understand.

In quantum sobriety one can drink several drinks and champagne glasses filled with vodka and GHB while still remaining sober, see the high getting substances flow past me quantumly. Though I may have appeared drunk I was merely expressing quantum sobriety decompression which makes one appear dizzy and sloppy.

However this sort of quantum experimenting and altered state can cause embarrassment and a contract with VH1 to do celebrity rehab followed by sober house and one show to be announced (Real Chance of Crack is the working title). I from now on will only get drunk, smoke weed, smoke crack, do meth, and will no longer lick toads (unless it’s for science), huff glue (intentionally, I do use a lot of glue when I‘m sciencing), or hold my breath to get a space monkey. From now on I am completely sober, that’s right sober S-O-B-R, sober.

Dear President Obama If You Are Serious About Propagating Science Allow My Independent Research On Crack Cocaine

Last week’s State of the Union address has me elated and suspicious of the Obama administration. In the past heads of state have made vainglory promises to fund such noble pursuits as education and scientific research, from building cities on the moon to flying to mars and have even supported such ridiculous implausible notions as “saying no to drugs”. Why is it then that these same officials pass laws that restrict legitimate research like limiting cell stem use and taking away the Plutonium I bought at NASA’s garage sale? Banning things that could greatly benefit society like DMSO, marijuana, and assault rifles without allowing them to be properly tested and analyzed (my assault rifle research was tragically cut short at the liquor store as I was acquiring a research grant by some uncouth police who wanted to research their night sticks all over my black ass).

Though many of the lab accomplices…. I mean assistants here in… Not jail were overjoyed to see a man of the same complexion in the Whitehouse (even if he was just there to steal the TV) but I remain apprehensive. Until you authorize all my “research” with a prescription pad of presidential pardons (and an actual prescription pad for other needs). And another thing you’re the first black man in the white house as President and you’re all uppity talk’n bout being a “servant” to the people of America. What’s wrong with you black man in the white house talking about being a servant. You ain’t better than me, you just another black man gett’n a government check and government housing. Speaking of which it has been kind of you to put me up in so many of your government run maximum security “labs” but I think I need to go off and do some free research.


Also if you want to prove you’re serious about funding scientific research you’ll reinstate my funding via the “welfare” system. But this time you will force Tito (my reputable methylbenzoylecgonine supplier) to honor your “food stamps” and every now and then send me a new gold chain and a note that says “yo good job with the stealing of that stuff from the pawn shop Bobby”. Access to air force one for flights to Columbia and back may also be discussed and if it’s not too much trouble I need you to pick up a package from my boy Julio next time your down there. We’re bros right B-Rack?

Hopefully I’ll see you at GW’s next coke party and we can talk some more.

Yo Dinosaurs Be Fucked Up And Shit!

Yo I was think’n today that those dinosaurs… You know those big fuck’n lizard things? They be like fucked up and shit!

Yo I was down at the Western Union cash’n my New Edition Reunion tour check so I decided to celebrate… You know celebrate. So I was smoke’n some rocks down by the Children’s room at the library (The adult library people have some stupid rules about not smoke’n crack in the library, I know it’s bull, yo they should put up sign that says “no smoking crack” if they don’t want people smoke’n crack) So I was gett’n my rock on with the young’uns when some little homie came up to me and roared! Little motherfucker said he was T-Rex and I almost believed him too. Little dude was convince’n. Then the little homie showed me this paper book called “Dinosaurs” or something, wait maybe it was called “Bonfire Of The Vanities”. I don't know, I'm still high as a mother fucker!

Yo there was like so many giant bugs… I mean like lizards, but they ain’t lizards! They’re like giant too, almost as big as me after I left New Edition! They’re old too, real fuck’n old! Man these things are scary! Lucky they only existed in like the 1930’s in Jolly Old England, I wouldn’t want to run into one of them you’d have to know karate or something or they would fuck your ass up. That’s cool though I’m street smart if I ran into a T-Rex I’d be like “yo” and then “snap” and I’d like pimp slap that giant razor toothed motherfucker in the jaw. If I can take on a pissed off Whitney dinosaurs don’t stand a chance. Speaking of which Whitney is getting pretty old soon she’ll be a dinosaur. Oh shit I think she’s home later sciencey peoples!

I’ve Experienced Several Setbacks Inventing A Telepathic Tivo

Late last week I decided to give my telepathic Tivo a test run. For those of you who are not in the loop, several months ago I was a bit imbibed at a Best Buy picking out a new TV or five for Whitney… To keep at my house… And never use. The salesman noticing Whitney’s Visa quickly pointed me towards the new Tivo. After a short explanation of what the Tivo did and that the little Tivo logo was not trying to steal my sandwich I was sold! Days later when I sold off a few of Whitney’s “extra” televisions I finally installed the Tivo. My main problem with the device is that you actually have to search through all the channels to find the shows you like and want to record. At that point I just wished the machined could read my mind and record the shows I thought about. At that point I remembered some work the University of California was doing on synthetic telepathy.

Quickly I went to work making my Tivo telepathic and just last week I completed the prototype. After installing the Tivo I took it for a test run. First I thought about recording Nova and instantly the Tivo brought up a week’s worth of future episodes! Then I thought about my singing career and I was brought to my Behind The Music on VH1! At which point I started thinking about being fucked up on drugs spouting retarded crap out my mouth and bam! Tivo started recording Glenn Beck!

The initial success I decided that maybe I should test this device with altered brain patterns to see how it reacts. So I took some vitamin “C-rack” to prepare. Unfortunately I quickly found that I lack the resources I needed to reach the altered mental state I desired. Realizing that all my research funds were all tied up in Whitney’s bank account I needed to come up with some funding quick before my hard work getting that high faded. I have realized the answer to my funding problem had been staring me in the face the whole time… The TV! I attempted to throw the television on my back and jump out the window but in the process I broke the Tivo and the television. Undaunted I made my way to the local pawn shop with my television who quickly pointed out that they “don’t buy broken televisions” and pointed to a sign that stated “Store Policy: Do Not Buy Anything From Bobby Brown”. So the project is on hiatus until I can get some new backers, if you’re interested contact me via Western Union.

Can The Large Hadron Collider Help Keep My Ass Out Of Jail?

I know it's several months away but I'm as giddy a particle physicist when it comes to the reboot of the Large Hadron Collider! Hopefully we'll be able to answer the grand queries of the universe such as "How was the big bang triggered" or "Is there really a Higgs Boson particle?". Of course I have a much more personal and pressing question.... Can the Large Hadron Collider keep my ass out of jail?

Allow me to elaborate on this hypothesis. See one of the major rumors going around is that we may be able to unlock the key to time travel. Now with the ability to travel back in time I could go back in time and un-assault Whitney therefore averting my most recent arrest. Hell, I could even un-illegalize crack or travel to the future when my sentence is over, fifty years in fifty seconds!

Hopefully this will further my research into particle freebase.... I mean particle physics. One such experiment I have planned involves smashing the particles of low grade crack cocaine together at such a speed that the strong sub atomic particles are separated from the weak ones leaving only the essence of crack. Once I have created this “super crack” I will use a version of heated atomic fusion involving a lighter and a specialized section of glass tubing. Of course my fusion method could use a bit more work........

I've Finally Done It! Behold The Future Of Robotics!

After months of hard research and collaboration with the advanced robotics community I've finally successfully completed a self aware (well sort of self aware) humanoid robot. I would like to unveil the world's first crack smoking robot!

See the Crackbot charges his fuel cells with the carcinogens and cracky goodness found in crack cocaine, a substance that is readily available in the harsh environment known as my garage. It's literally the di-lithium crystal of the ghetto. Along with parts form several "borrowed" televisions, an 8 track player, and a Bananarama tape these fuel cells make up the latest in robotics technology.

Unfortunately I have run into several bugs but I'm sure through time they'll sort themselves out. I seem to have run into what I believe is a programming error that causes the Crackbot to feloniously abscond with consumer electronics (TV's, car stereos, etc..) when it's fuel cells become depleted. Also the fuel supply in my garage is getting low as I must constantly test the purity of it... in the name of science.. and beakers and stuff. Allow me to show you (Bobby Inhales) WHeeeeeeew this shit is pure for the robot... and the Bobby Brown science doin man. Yo this robot be crazy he's like up on my shit and his grill keeps gett'n broke up yo. Yo like my boy D-Ice needs to roll by with some more of that fuel cell stuff. D-Ice! I needs more rock! Yo robot fetch this motherfucker some more rock! I'm king of this garage cause yoo gotta do what I say yo. It's like "Luke I'm your father" and shit, robot. Yeah that's right.......



The Bobby Brown Tech Blog is meant as parody and Bobby Brown is in no way involved with this purely fictional. All allegations made by this blog especially claims including the insinuation drug use or the practice of science by Bobby Brown are untrue and meant for entertainment only. The Bobby Brown Tech Blog and it's contents are the copyrighted material of Do It Yourself Anarchy Productions and it's creator/owner and may not be reproduced without express permission (which you'll probably get if you simply ask). All Rights Reserved 5/21/2000