Yo I’ve known synthetic life for years

So Craig Venter decided to rip me off. His people are saying they built synthetic life acting like synthetic life is new and shit. I’ve known synthetic existed for years. Whether it be synthetic friends who hang until the rock run out, agents who say “listen Bobby to make money you actually have to make music and tour, and could you please put your testicles back in your pants”, of fake ass women who are like “I love you forever Bobby” and then call the police after a couple right hooks to face, believe me I know synthetic life.

Apparently the difference is that his synthetic life was made in a lab and not out of desire for Bobby Brown’s money. Half these Hollywood bitches are synthetic Autotune, Protools, y’all sound like gay robots (I built a gay robot once, he was very neat, great at parties but I had to scrap him after I found him fucking my toaster with Bobby Brown’s toast in it, man I love some good toast). You can’t tell me Puff Daddy is real, the guy’s lyrics are “huh, uh huh” on loop like my vicious cycle of addiction and property destruction. Also Venter apparently encoded a website into this thing’s DNA, so just like every other fake ass form of life it’s got a website to plug, why not get it a twitter feed too at least it wouldn’t be as stupid and pandering as that Oprah bitch (don’t get me wrong I love you Oprah, I’ll be your new Steadman let me in the rich fat ass of yours). Also poem lyrics in the genome? Why not “My Prerogative” by Bobby Brown, man I’d have royalties up the ass every time this cell replicates! And yo if it’s got “My Prerogative” in its genome like Bobby Brown it will be replicating a lot, if you know what I’m say’n.

But as far as I’m concerned this is just another cell keeping Bobby Brown down.

Addressing My Quantum Sobriety On Celebrity Fit Club

Though I do not usually use this blog to talk about my personal problems or address public media speculation today I have been levied to do so. I feel that I owe my Bobby Brown Loyalists an explanation for the recent events on show “Celebrity Fit Club: Boot Camp”. I understand that the presence of such an esteemed figure as myself on a VH1 reality show is bound to seem sordid or as novelty at the very least, like a desperate pathetic move to get attention under the guise of physical aesthetic prowess.

It may seem like Bobby Brown may have simply been looking to vainly experience such former luxuries as sleeping on an actual mattress or being trusted around a house full of easily stolen light bulbs. Well it may come as quite the bewilderment but I have proven many the hayseed with my latest venture.

Suspense must always drop its suspenders under the force of gravity so it is time for me to put the laws of gravity back in effect. I desperately wanted to keep my true reasons for being on the show clandestine but I feel that I owe my loyalists an explanation. I was conducting field experiments…

Yep, field experiments. I saw this opportunity as a chance to finally perform some long overdue field experiments like “what would not sleeping at the bus station be like?” or “entering a house through a front door instead of a broken window”. The main source of yellow tinted scuttlebutt has been the allegations that I broke my sobriety. Lies! All lies! I was merely testing a new method of sobriety I was inventing called “quantum sobriety”. See like quantum physics as opposed the regular physics the rules of quantum sobriety are much more different and complex than boring old normal sobriety but are also exceedingly tough for the un-savvy to understand.

In quantum sobriety one can drink several drinks and champagne glasses filled with vodka and GHB while still remaining sober, see the high getting substances flow past me quantumly. Though I may have appeared drunk I was merely expressing quantum sobriety decompression which makes one appear dizzy and sloppy.

However this sort of quantum experimenting and altered state can cause embarrassment and a contract with VH1 to do celebrity rehab followed by sober house and one show to be announced (Real Chance of Crack is the working title). I from now on will only get drunk, smoke weed, smoke crack, do meth, and will no longer lick toads (unless it’s for science), huff glue (intentionally, I do use a lot of glue when I‘m sciencing), or hold my breath to get a space monkey. From now on I am completely sober, that’s right sober S-O-B-R, sober.

The iPad Is The Future Of Coke Tables!

After months of ceaseless balbutient scuttlebutt about the unveiling of Apple’s newest tablet it was no wonder I became disillusioned and even rueful of the iPad. I felt that tablets were simply whim, nothing more than an impennate technology that wouldn’t even reach proximity close enough to the sun to crash and burn. Of course as a trusted (not by the police obviously) technology writer my opinion on such trends is highly sought after and valued so as a duty to my readers I knew eventually I would have give it a gander.

Roughly a fortnight ago (I tend to lose track of time while experimenting, your science and nosebleeds and all) my tech guy T-Bo (no that isn’t an Asian name) had informed that he had recently come to possess a brand new iPad whose serial numbers had mysteriously been scratched off. After assuring me that his recent acquisition was in no relation affiliated with Steve Wozniak getting mugged two towns over and that he in fact had Steve Wozniak’s wallet to prove it (The Woz would never let a mugger borrow his wallet) we decided to give it a test run.

After cracking the password protection (some dizzy Apple worker must have inadvertently activated it) which was humorously “Bonerking-Steve” we proceeded with our inquisition. At first it appeared to be much like an iphone with Safari, itunes, email, photo album (no camera though), notes, etc… Then I noticed one huge and shocking difference. It was much bigger. I had thought for a moment that I was libated with some sort of size distorting indulgence but all for not it was actually bigger than the iphone.

T-Bo whose occupation with the device’s digital features had faded at this juncture calmly inquired about its analog features to be specific he said “Let’s do some blow off this mutherf*cker”. After presenting an eight ball we laid the iPad down and were eager to test the iPad’s analog features to the extreme. We set up a simple test course of bumps and rails and began (I imagine Steve Jobs has already done the same tests but has not yet published his results). As I snorted my way through itunes I was able to download “My Prerogative” and play it with a simple sniffle. Then two lines later I was emailing threats to Whitney and reading the latest science news of PhysOrg.

Despite its excellent capacity as a surface for cocaine use there are some detractors from the iPad. For example razor blades tend to scratch up the touch screen which smudges easily. Another drawback is that the battery is not removable therefore making it impossible to attach to my nipples. The last and largest flaw is that the iPad has no ability to toast bread. Besides those short misgivings I would say that the iPad is the most amazing coke table ever made, in fact I would go as far as saying if this device came out 20 years ago me and the execs on Wall Street would have gotten 100 times the amount of work done. On Bobby Brown’s felony scale I give the iPad a shocking “Pushing your grandmother down a flight of stairs while giving a back alley abortion to Laura Bush” so about a 3 out of 5 rocks.

P.S. Apple in your next gen iPad I would suggest you include a hollow nose ready stylus with a credit card sorting edge.

Dear President Obama If You Are Serious About Propagating Science Allow My Independent Research On Crack Cocaine

Last week’s State of the Union address has me elated and suspicious of the Obama administration. In the past heads of state have made vainglory promises to fund such noble pursuits as education and scientific research, from building cities on the moon to flying to mars and have even supported such ridiculous implausible notions as “saying no to drugs”. Why is it then that these same officials pass laws that restrict legitimate research like limiting cell stem use and taking away the Plutonium I bought at NASA’s garage sale? Banning things that could greatly benefit society like DMSO, marijuana, and assault rifles without allowing them to be properly tested and analyzed (my assault rifle research was tragically cut short at the liquor store as I was acquiring a research grant by some uncouth police who wanted to research their night sticks all over my black ass).

Though many of the lab accomplices…. I mean assistants here in… Not jail were overjoyed to see a man of the same complexion in the Whitehouse (even if he was just there to steal the TV) but I remain apprehensive. Until you authorize all my “research” with a prescription pad of presidential pardons (and an actual prescription pad for other needs). And another thing you’re the first black man in the white house as President and you’re all uppity talk’n bout being a “servant” to the people of America. What’s wrong with you black man in the white house talking about being a servant. You ain’t better than me, you just another black man gett’n a government check and government housing. Speaking of which it has been kind of you to put me up in so many of your government run maximum security “labs” but I think I need to go off and do some free research.


Also if you want to prove you’re serious about funding scientific research you’ll reinstate my funding via the “welfare” system. But this time you will force Tito (my reputable methylbenzoylecgonine supplier) to honor your “food stamps” and every now and then send me a new gold chain and a note that says “yo good job with the stealing of that stuff from the pawn shop Bobby”. Access to air force one for flights to Columbia and back may also be discussed and if it’s not too much trouble I need you to pick up a package from my boy Julio next time your down there. We’re bros right B-Rack?

Hopefully I’ll see you at GW’s next coke party and we can talk some more.

Technology I Look Forward To In This New Decade

Huzzah and salutations technology enthusiasts! 2010 is upon us and that means great speculation among science and technology enthusiasts like myself. Though the last decade has birthed the proliferation of Earth changing technologies like stem cell research, green energy, Large Hadron Colliders, text messaging, and blankets with sleeves on them it’s time to look forward to a new crop of burgeoning technologies that will hopefully spring legs in this decade.

Below are several technologies that are on my “wish list” for the future.

Self loosening hand cuffs:

A technology that is long over do, countless times I’ve encounter handcuffs that have absolutely nothing in the way of user friendly interface. I’m yet to find police handcuffs that are wearer friendly. With a few simple design changes the cuffs could allow the wearer to tighten, loosen, or take off the cuffs. Handcuff/wearer interface would be revolutionized greatly.

A Ghost Riding Skateboard:

We’ve all become familiar with the term “ghost ride the whip” when applied to automobiles but it still lacks application to other types of vehicles such as boats, passenger trains, airplanes, and skateboards. If I could only get off a skateboard that is moving and watch it move without being on it… It could cure world hunger, I’m sure how though.

Police Proof Doors:

A long time passion of mine that would dramatically improve the daily life of hundreds of thousands of Bobby Brown’s worldwide. The police are constantly breaking down my door and interrupting my research for miniscule infractions like not paying child support and setting nursing homes on fire while making off with prescription meds and copper wire from the walls. If only there were some sort of door that could keep the police out I’ve tried half a dozen methods from stealing white people’s doors and putting them on my apartment to smearing my own feces on a screen door but nothing has worked! I’ve even went as far as posting a picture of a policeman with stink lines on my door with the words “police keep out” scrolled on it but it didn’t stop them from raiding my simple honest meth lab.

Candy Jail Cells:

While incarcerated I often find myself getting hungry between meals, especially on days full of shankings. Most of the time I find that the guards are simply too busy with beating me to fetch me a snack. I realize that adding a kitchenette to the cells are out of the question since many of my crimes involve microwaves but if you simply used more edible building materials prisoners wouldn’t face this problem and could snack at will. Traditional metal and concrete designs have been known to break Bobby Brown’s teeth and taste only slightly better than Jack in the Box, while a cell made of candy would be fun for the whole organized crime family! It has been said that obesity is the worst prison of all since the prison is your own body (reference: Lifetime Channel) so candy jail cells will be an unimaginable punishment for some.

Neon Pants That Stay Popular:

Wearing pants is an unfortunate side effect of life. It seems like every time Bobby Brown forgets to wear pants in public I’m charged with a sex crime. The only pants worth wearing are neon ones. Neon is of the superior ultra-visible light spectrum so it is ideal for attracting people to your pants. Unfortunately the fashion world is fickle and yet to realize that neon pants are the ultimate fashion statement and that Bobby Brown doesn’t have the money to buy new pants.

Bobby Brown Food Between Two Slices Of Bread Mobile Meal:

This one is a little invention I came up with one night while I was rocked out of my skull. I got hungry and raided the cupboards of the Riley’s. There wasn’t much food in kitchen as the Riley’s were on vacation and had psychically asked me to watch their house (they even asked me to pawn their belongings for them so they would be safe). I jittered to the kitchen and somehow sandwiched meat, cheese, lettuce, and mayo between two slices of bread. The Riley’s came home early and I had to jump out the window or violate our unwritten psychic bond. As I was running I became aware that my mobile bread creation was still in my hand and still together. I’ve tried running with hands full of spaghetti or running with soup cupped in my hands but even the thickest stew it tough to run with. This sliced bread package was truly convenient and deserved a closer examination. Hopefully by the year 2016 the Bobby Brown sliced bread port-a-meal will go into full production.

Delocator Devices and Personal Locators:

It seems like when someone is trying to locate you there are plenty of devices that assist the locator. From Tom Tom’s to ankle bracelets they have all the technology. But what about someone who needs to disappear real fast? I’m not sure how this technology would work possibly via quantum refraction but I do know that I have been unable to locate myself in the past. That brings me to personal locator devices. Often I’ve been unable to locate myself even in my own apartment, if only I had something that would tell me “yo Bobby you’re right here, the guy holding this device” it would save me hours of looking for myself.

Field of Study that I’d like to see the most research go into: Pro-Theft Technology

Billions of dollars go into anti-theft research but hardly any money goes into pro-theft technology. It seems like companies are wasting money making it harder for Bobby Brown to steal. From voice activated car alarms to exploding ink packets anti-theft technology has overshadowed pro-theft technology. Just once I’d like to steal a sweater from Sears and instead of getting ink all over me have a voice chip say “Thank you for stealing me Bobby, I’ll look good on you” or a car that speeds up and takes you someplace nice when you steal it. Pro-theft devices have yet to be implemented by big chain stores and I see this hurting my personal economy in the future. I would like to suggest TV manufacturers install robotic legs on their larger sets so they can run away from their rightful owner’s right into Bobby Brown’s Geo Metro. Pro-Theft technology will guide America into the future, a future where we embrace our debts and start stealing to pay them off (Pro-Oil Theft technology is still way ahead of the curve in the U.S. though.)

Only the next 10 years will tell but things like biomimicry, perpetual energy, gene therapy, and space exploration will be a foolhardy use of funds and time while neon pants research goes ignored.

To the future and beyond friends!