I was excited to discover several months ago that the University of Nevada has tested and found a substance harder than diamonds! The mineral Wurzite Boron Nitride (w-BN) can stand extreme heat and pressure making it the perfect material to craft a crack pipe out of. I spend roughly $1,100 a month on crack pipes alone, most which break when hurled at high speeds at Whitney. I’ve tried metal pipes but the heat conductivity of metal is simply too high for the endurance smoker. The temperatures got so high I’ve had to hold them with an oven mitt. If you’ve ever tried to light a crack pipe wearing an oven mitt you know it’s impossible! After several third degree burns on my hands later I went straight back to glass.
Hopefully once w-BN can be synthesized it will be malleable enough to mold into a crack pipe. Just think about it! I would never have to buy another crack pipe, I could throw it at Whitney a thousand times and still not make a dent (in the pipe). Also with the world on the cusp space exploration I could even light my pipe with the sun! Hypothetically that is.
Late last week I decided to give my telepathic Tivo a test run. For those of you who are not in the loop, several months ago I was a bit imbibed at a Best Buy picking out a new TV or five for Whitney… To keep at my house… And never use. The salesman noticing Whitney’s Visa quickly pointed me towards the new Tivo. After a short explanation of what the Tivo did and that the little Tivo logo was not trying to steal my sandwich I was sold! Days later when I sold off a few of Whitney’s “extra” televisions I finally installed the Tivo. My main problem with the device is that you actually have to search through all the channels to find the shows you like and want to record. At that point I just wished the machined could read my mind and record the shows I thought about. At that point I remembered some work the University of California was doing onsynthetic telepathy.
Quickly I went to work making my Tivo telepathic and just last week I completed the prototype. After installing the Tivo I took it for a test run. First I thought about recording Nova and instantly the Tivo brought up a week’s worth of future episodes! Then I thought about my singing career and I was brought to my Behind The Music on VH1! At which point I started thinking about being fucked up on drugs spouting retarded crap out my mouth and bam! Tivo started recording Glenn Beck!
The initial success I decided that maybe I should test this device with altered brain patterns to see how it reacts. So I took some vitamin “C-rack” to prepare. Unfortunately I quickly found that I lack the resources I needed to reach the altered mental state I desired. Realizing that all my research funds were all tied up in Whitney’s bank account I needed to come up with some funding quick before my hard work getting that high faded. I have realized the answer to my funding problem had been staring me in the face the whole time… The TV! I attempted to throw the television on my back and jump out the window but in the process I broke the Tivo and the television. Undaunted I made my way to the local pawn shop with my television who quickly pointed out that they “don’t buy broken televisions” and pointed to a sign that stated “Store Policy: Do Not Buy Anything From Bobby Brown”. So the project is on hiatus until I can get some new backers, if you’re interested contact me via Western Union.
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