Silly Ichthyologists: I Could’ve Told You That Invisible Sharks Were Out To Steal Your VCR

It appears that ichthyologists are once again swimming away with the research of Professor Bobby Brown. They are yet again stating a theory of mine that was widely published via the scientific journal “Twitter” as their own. “Bobby Brown’s Theory of muther fuck’n invisible sharks everywhere try’n to steal my VCR” published to Twitter in 2008 consisted of the streamlined observation that “Halp! invisbul sharx try’n to jack Bobby’s VCR” the main stream marine biologists ignored my theory acting like porpoise assholes (pompous man fish). They said I was “severely intoxicated on illicit substances” and was “hundreds of miles from anywhere sharks could live”. Recently I stumbled upon this article indeed confirming my theory that invisible sharks are everywhere and want my VCR.

You have to wonder what sort of discipline it takes to become a “marine biologist”. I watched myself eat a whole plate of fried clams once does that make me a marine biologist? Maybe they all just look down on Professor Bobby Brown because they never got kicked out the aquarium for mooning a rare sea turtle and leaving brown smudges on the glass, well I guess that’s their prerogative. Not as good as my prerogative..... Ichthyologists are by far the worst though. Who thought you could get such a high and mighty attitude just because you spend your time running around and sharking? Anyway good ol’Bobby Brown has a new DVD player that he has to protect from quantum sea sponges and its rightful owner.... Ssssssshhhhh! Quiet I think see one next to the dish detergent on my kitchen sink, better go get the C-4 I stole from DARPA.

Yo I’ve known synthetic life for years

So Craig Venter decided to rip me off. His people are saying they built synthetic life acting like synthetic life is new and shit. I’ve known synthetic existed for years. Whether it be synthetic friends who hang until the rock run out, agents who say “listen Bobby to make money you actually have to make music and tour, and could you please put your testicles back in your pants”, of fake ass women who are like “I love you forever Bobby” and then call the police after a couple right hooks to face, believe me I know synthetic life.

Apparently the difference is that his synthetic life was made in a lab and not out of desire for Bobby Brown’s money. Half these Hollywood bitches are synthetic Autotune, Protools, y’all sound like gay robots (I built a gay robot once, he was very neat, great at parties but I had to scrap him after I found him fucking my toaster with Bobby Brown’s toast in it, man I love some good toast). You can’t tell me Puff Daddy is real, the guy’s lyrics are “huh, uh huh” on loop like my vicious cycle of addiction and property destruction. Also Venter apparently encoded a website into this thing’s DNA, so just like every other fake ass form of life it’s got a website to plug, why not get it a twitter feed too at least it wouldn’t be as stupid and pandering as that Oprah bitch (don’t get me wrong I love you Oprah, I’ll be your new Steadman let me in the rich fat ass of yours). Also poem lyrics in the genome? Why not “My Prerogative” by Bobby Brown, man I’d have royalties up the ass every time this cell replicates! And yo if it’s got “My Prerogative” in its genome like Bobby Brown it will be replicating a lot, if you know what I’m say’n.

But as far as I’m concerned this is just another cell keeping Bobby Brown down.

The iPad Is The Future Of Coke Tables!

After months of ceaseless balbutient scuttlebutt about the unveiling of Apple’s newest tablet it was no wonder I became disillusioned and even rueful of the iPad. I felt that tablets were simply whim, nothing more than an impennate technology that wouldn’t even reach proximity close enough to the sun to crash and burn. Of course as a trusted (not by the police obviously) technology writer my opinion on such trends is highly sought after and valued so as a duty to my readers I knew eventually I would have give it a gander.

Roughly a fortnight ago (I tend to lose track of time while experimenting, your science and nosebleeds and all) my tech guy T-Bo (no that isn’t an Asian name) had informed that he had recently come to possess a brand new iPad whose serial numbers had mysteriously been scratched off. After assuring me that his recent acquisition was in no relation affiliated with Steve Wozniak getting mugged two towns over and that he in fact had Steve Wozniak’s wallet to prove it (The Woz would never let a mugger borrow his wallet) we decided to give it a test run.

After cracking the password protection (some dizzy Apple worker must have inadvertently activated it) which was humorously “Bonerking-Steve” we proceeded with our inquisition. At first it appeared to be much like an iphone with Safari, itunes, email, photo album (no camera though), notes, etc… Then I noticed one huge and shocking difference. It was much bigger. I had thought for a moment that I was libated with some sort of size distorting indulgence but all for not it was actually bigger than the iphone.

T-Bo whose occupation with the device’s digital features had faded at this juncture calmly inquired about its analog features to be specific he said “Let’s do some blow off this mutherf*cker”. After presenting an eight ball we laid the iPad down and were eager to test the iPad’s analog features to the extreme. We set up a simple test course of bumps and rails and began (I imagine Steve Jobs has already done the same tests but has not yet published his results). As I snorted my way through itunes I was able to download “My Prerogative” and play it with a simple sniffle. Then two lines later I was emailing threats to Whitney and reading the latest science news of PhysOrg.

Despite its excellent capacity as a surface for cocaine use there are some detractors from the iPad. For example razor blades tend to scratch up the touch screen which smudges easily. Another drawback is that the battery is not removable therefore making it impossible to attach to my nipples. The last and largest flaw is that the iPad has no ability to toast bread. Besides those short misgivings I would say that the iPad is the most amazing coke table ever made, in fact I would go as far as saying if this device came out 20 years ago me and the execs on Wall Street would have gotten 100 times the amount of work done. On Bobby Brown’s felony scale I give the iPad a shocking “Pushing your grandmother down a flight of stairs while giving a back alley abortion to Laura Bush” so about a 3 out of 5 rocks.

P.S. Apple in your next gen iPad I would suggest you include a hollow nose ready stylus with a credit card sorting edge.

Dear President Obama If You Are Serious About Propagating Science Allow My Independent Research On Crack Cocaine

Last week’s State of the Union address has me elated and suspicious of the Obama administration. In the past heads of state have made vainglory promises to fund such noble pursuits as education and scientific research, from building cities on the moon to flying to mars and have even supported such ridiculous implausible notions as “saying no to drugs”. Why is it then that these same officials pass laws that restrict legitimate research like limiting cell stem use and taking away the Plutonium I bought at NASA’s garage sale? Banning things that could greatly benefit society like DMSO, marijuana, and assault rifles without allowing them to be properly tested and analyzed (my assault rifle research was tragically cut short at the liquor store as I was acquiring a research grant by some uncouth police who wanted to research their night sticks all over my black ass).

Though many of the lab accomplices…. I mean assistants here in… Not jail were overjoyed to see a man of the same complexion in the Whitehouse (even if he was just there to steal the TV) but I remain apprehensive. Until you authorize all my “research” with a prescription pad of presidential pardons (and an actual prescription pad for other needs). And another thing you’re the first black man in the white house as President and you’re all uppity talk’n bout being a “servant” to the people of America. What’s wrong with you black man in the white house talking about being a servant. You ain’t better than me, you just another black man gett’n a government check and government housing. Speaking of which it has been kind of you to put me up in so many of your government run maximum security “labs” but I think I need to go off and do some free research.


Also if you want to prove you’re serious about funding scientific research you’ll reinstate my funding via the “welfare” system. But this time you will force Tito (my reputable methylbenzoylecgonine supplier) to honor your “food stamps” and every now and then send me a new gold chain and a note that says “yo good job with the stealing of that stuff from the pawn shop Bobby”. Access to air force one for flights to Columbia and back may also be discussed and if it’s not too much trouble I need you to pick up a package from my boy Julio next time your down there. We’re bros right B-Rack?

Hopefully I’ll see you at GW’s next coke party and we can talk some more.

But Can They Regrow The Gold Teeth I Pawned?

A mere two decades ago talk of regrowing missing teeth would have been derided as pachyglossal foolhardiness but with the recent amelioration of cellular research it appears to have entered the domain of reality. According to this it is now possible to implant a ball of cells in the area and in a couple months a new tooth is fully formed. If most people are anything like me and lose several teeth each month than this will revolutionize the way we see orthodontic care.

The only problem I see is that so far they’ve only been able regrow conventional teeth not more malleable advanced constructs such as the teeth I became accustomed to. During the 1990’s I was ahead of the curb and jumped on the orthodontic bullet train known as gold teeth. Not only was my smile shinier and brighter than that of the averaged toothed individual but they’re cavity proof and are assets that can be randomly accessed if need be. The only problem with gold teeth is that they have a very low shelf life. It seems that every time Bobby Brown needs to pay the crack bill out come the pliers and Bobby Brown DDS is mining for gold.

If scientists could somehow either….. Pay my crack dealer…. Or make it so every 4-5 days if wake up with a mouth full of homegrown gold teeth this advancement would seem more worthwhile. While we’re on the subject of regrowing things I would like let Whitney know, if she’s reading this (Yeah that’s right bitch the miracle of the internet allows our love to stay in blossom even from 500 feet away at all times.) that you need to “regrow” some credit because I maxed out your Mastercard and nobody is taking that piece of crap Discover card.

Google Wave Makes Organizing Crime So Much Easier!

So several months ago I was lucky enough to get an invite to preview the new Google Wave from noble Redditor Creator11, feel free to upvote him and send him some good karma. Now Google Wave is the latest in cross platform social/business networking tools. It has more hype around it than that Uncle Tom, Michael Jackson who basically stole my act (That’s right New Edition is the original Jackson 5). However unlike Michael Jackson Google Wave has potential to last and do good things. Also like Michael Jackson it’s so simple a vulnerable 12 year old boy could use it!

Though it is still in preview mode I can see Google wave being a vital asset in our ever shrinking world. It’s ability to share and collaborate on projects regardless of location in realtime make it as if you were actually sitting in the same room as everyone else involved in the project. So far the only collaboration tool that comes close to the collab ability of Google wave is in fact my own psychic powers which unfortunately not everyone subscribes to.

As far as collaboration goes I can best describe Google wave as a big ass hookah and everyone you invite can take a hit whenever they want, it’s like a bowl of freebase you can share with anyone anywhere. “Waves” are like realtime emails that you can add and change at will, it would be like if someone made instant messaging useful. Waves can have all kinds of content from text and scripts to videos and you can change or alter other people’s wave posts (though you should probably ask first as it is bad etiquette to do so without asking, it’s like how I always make sure I threaten Whitney right before hitting her so she has a chance to call the police.). Also Google has integrated a function that allows you to make realtime polls and charts and you can even integrate other popular Google services such Google maps and Google Earth into waves. Being able to plan things in realtime makes sophisticated technical projects like stealing my neighbor’s lawn chairs a breeze, so easy in fact I did just that and recorded it below.

I decided to test Wave by using it to organize the theft of my neighbor’s lawn chairs. After adequate self medication I logged onto Google Wave and selected the network of people I want to send my wave to, I picked the Cookie Monster, Bob Dole, and my old pal the magical flying sandwich. I start my wave with a simple line of text “Yo that motherfucker next door is flaunting his lawn chairs again, they’re all like sitting on his lawn.. We need to liberate them the hell off his lawn for humanity”. Cookie Monster messaged me back with a webcam vid of him flipping me off and eating cookies so I changed my wave to exclude him. Next my boy the flying sandwich pulled up a Google Earth view of my neighbor’s lawn chairs, they were still there.. Good, good the project was coming together. Bob Dole then posted some lawn chair blueprints which included the dimensions and interface options of the lawn chairs. I then created a pie chart of the ass to chair ratio of each lawn chair. Now that the technical details were out in the air it was time to analyze the actual theft. Dole asked me when my neighbor usually gets home from work, I didn’t know so I added my neighbor to the wave to ask him. After reviewing the plan my neighbor then added the Boston Police to the wave. Having collaborated long enough on the project I found the best course of action was to run over to my neighbor’s lawn, grab the chairs, and run like hell. Sufficed to say the project was a colossal success and I couldn’t have done it without Google Wave.

- Sitting on my new chairs, Bobby Brown

P.S. The public server/option would be better if it started out already on your contacts list.

(Note: Breaking the fourth wall here but if you're interested in adding me the address is Do.It.Yourself.Anarchy.Productions@googlewave.com)