Can The Large Hadron Collider Help Keep My Ass Out Of Jail?

I know it's several months away but I'm as giddy a particle physicist when it comes to the reboot of the Large Hadron Collider! Hopefully we'll be able to answer the grand queries of the universe such as "How was the big bang triggered" or "Is there really a Higgs Boson particle?". Of course I have a much more personal and pressing question.... Can the Large Hadron Collider keep my ass out of jail?

Allow me to elaborate on this hypothesis. See one of the major rumors going around is that we may be able to unlock the key to time travel. Now with the ability to travel back in time I could go back in time and un-assault Whitney therefore averting my most recent arrest. Hell, I could even un-illegalize crack or travel to the future when my sentence is over, fifty years in fifty seconds!

Hopefully this will further my research into particle freebase.... I mean particle physics. One such experiment I have planned involves smashing the particles of low grade crack cocaine together at such a speed that the strong sub atomic particles are separated from the weak ones leaving only the essence of crack. Once I have created this “super crack” I will use a version of heated atomic fusion involving a lighter and a specialized section of glass tubing. Of course my fusion method could use a bit more work........