How I Saved The World From Tomatoes

Though I am not sure how credible the source of this article is and in fact the level of research that went into it I’m very excited to see that there are still several people who remember the carnivorous tomato invasion of the 1980’s. Documented in a film and then a cartoon series the attack of the killer tomatoes actually happened. In fact I myself was a freedom fighter against the tomatoes, never on the national level but on the local level… Freelance. You see around 1989 I was watching some Showtime in my at then time mansion (now known as Young MC’s ex-mansion) and I took a quick look up from my “smoke filled research beaker” to see a shocking news report of carnivorous tomatoes raging throughout the countryside. As a snappy dressed sciencing professional I realized I must take action. Energy flowed through me so I quickly declared myself local commander of a Bobby Brown police action. I ran around my empty mansion and rounded up a militia composed of my butler, the maid, Invisible Art Carnie, The Cookie Monster, Olympia Dukakis, and a magical flying sandwich who carried the “carnivorous tomato antibody” (a slice of tomato infused with mayonnaise).

After seconds of intense military strategy the Bobby Brown anti-tomato militia armed themselves, me with my trusty “Hell no you ain’t repossess’n my car” baseball bat. The others with armaments found within the house. After patrolling my property I had noticed a stronghold of nightshade vegetables had managed to penetrate my neighbor’s garden. I climbed the perimeter fence and ventured deep into the tomato compound. I began thrashing the enemy with my bat and yelling my battle mantra “Fuck yo tomatoes, nigga!”. The guard tomatoes had become alerted and turned on the perimeter lights sending out a giant tomato soldier cleverly disguised as my neighbor. The sandwich and I tackled him and I held him down while the sandwich deployed its antibodies in his throat.

Before I could finish applying the sandwich the police had pulled me away and detained me. The police were clearly in on the conspiracy. Around day break the police had become corrupt and agreed to free in exchange for a bribe they were calling “bail”. After paying bail I was released and frantically searched the media for updates on the tomato holocaust. The government had clearly suppressed media coverage of the incident. The police report was also doctored to say I was spotted yelling gibberish and bashing tomatoes with a baseball bat and when confronted by the property owner I held him down and forced a sandwich in his mouth while yelling “eat the fucking sandwich, man eating tomato”. At least the daily mail has enough journalistic credibility to expose the truth.