New Ion Drive Will Exponentially Increase The Speed At Which I Out Run My Creditors

39 days to Mars? That’s right with the new ion drive created by Ad Astra Rocket Company they believe they have a propulsion system that can send a man to Mars in the period it takes for me to go to prison, get out, violate my probation, and get sent back to prison (I’ve pretty much streamlined it, I’m like the Henry Ford of falling off the crack wagon). Such a possibility had me so enthralled I simply had to try out this new technology for myself. Of course I couldn’t just march up to Ad Astra and grab one! See when you’re dealing with a brand new technology that everyone wants to get their hands on you’ve got to have some serious security measures, like a guy at the gate with a picture of Bobby Brown that says “Banned For Indecent Exposure”. Long story short, pointing out the similarities between the shape of their new plasma rocket and your old pocket rocket don’t go over so well at Ad Astra. Luckily I had a gold chain to bribe the guard and was able to steal some blue prints left in the john.

Next all I had to do was build an ion drive of my own. Since I had already maxed out my credits cards (do you know how hard it is to max out a Visa Black? They don’t even have credit limits!) I had to get creative with finding parts. It took great cunning to acquire the necessary parts but eventually Whitney fell asleep and I was able to steal her credit card and go down to Radioshack. After building the ion drive I had yet another obstacle to overcome. That obstacle? Acquiring an automobile to mount it on. With my credit maxed out and Whitney pulling the old “call the credit card company and tell them Bobby is committing credit card fraud again” move it was impossible for me to find an auto loan. Also my creditors legal and illegal were becoming increasing interested in repossessing my belongings and lungs. So right now I’ve got my ion drive and a dollar fifty in change and I’m headed down to the bus stop to implore the drivers to allow me to upgrade their vehicles, hey I paid my $1.50 and it’s a public bus and I’m the public!