The iPad Is The Future Of Coke Tables!

After months of ceaseless balbutient scuttlebutt about the unveiling of Apple’s newest tablet it was no wonder I became disillusioned and even rueful of the iPad. I felt that tablets were simply whim, nothing more than an impennate technology that wouldn’t even reach proximity close enough to the sun to crash and burn. Of course as a trusted (not by the police obviously) technology writer my opinion on such trends is highly sought after and valued so as a duty to my readers I knew eventually I would have give it a gander.

Roughly a fortnight ago (I tend to lose track of time while experimenting, your science and nosebleeds and all) my tech guy T-Bo (no that isn’t an Asian name) had informed that he had recently come to possess a brand new iPad whose serial numbers had mysteriously been scratched off. After assuring me that his recent acquisition was in no relation affiliated with Steve Wozniak getting mugged two towns over and that he in fact had Steve Wozniak’s wallet to prove it (The Woz would never let a mugger borrow his wallet) we decided to give it a test run.

After cracking the password protection (some dizzy Apple worker must have inadvertently activated it) which was humorously “Bonerking-Steve” we proceeded with our inquisition. At first it appeared to be much like an iphone with Safari, itunes, email, photo album (no camera though), notes, etc… Then I noticed one huge and shocking difference. It was much bigger. I had thought for a moment that I was libated with some sort of size distorting indulgence but all for not it was actually bigger than the iphone.

T-Bo whose occupation with the device’s digital features had faded at this juncture calmly inquired about its analog features to be specific he said “Let’s do some blow off this mutherf*cker”. After presenting an eight ball we laid the iPad down and were eager to test the iPad’s analog features to the extreme. We set up a simple test course of bumps and rails and began (I imagine Steve Jobs has already done the same tests but has not yet published his results). As I snorted my way through itunes I was able to download “My Prerogative” and play it with a simple sniffle. Then two lines later I was emailing threats to Whitney and reading the latest science news of PhysOrg.

Despite its excellent capacity as a surface for cocaine use there are some detractors from the iPad. For example razor blades tend to scratch up the touch screen which smudges easily. Another drawback is that the battery is not removable therefore making it impossible to attach to my nipples. The last and largest flaw is that the iPad has no ability to toast bread. Besides those short misgivings I would say that the iPad is the most amazing coke table ever made, in fact I would go as far as saying if this device came out 20 years ago me and the execs on Wall Street would have gotten 100 times the amount of work done. On Bobby Brown’s felony scale I give the iPad a shocking “Pushing your grandmother down a flight of stairs while giving a back alley abortion to Laura Bush” so about a 3 out of 5 rocks.

P.S. Apple in your next gen iPad I would suggest you include a hollow nose ready stylus with a credit card sorting edge.

Can The Discovery Of Wurzite Boron Nitride Lead To The Creation Of A Sturdier Crack Pipe?

I was excited to discover several months ago that the University of Nevada has tested and found a substance harder than diamonds! The mineral Wurzite Boron Nitride (w-BN) can stand extreme heat and pressure making it the perfect material to craft a crack pipe out of. I spend roughly $1,100 a month on crack pipes alone, most which break when hurled at high speeds at Whitney. I’ve tried metal pipes but the heat conductivity of metal is simply too high for the endurance smoker. The temperatures got so high I’ve had to hold them with an oven mitt. If you’ve ever tried to light a crack pipe wearing an oven mitt you know it’s impossible! After several third degree burns on my hands later I went straight back to glass.

Hopefully once w-BN can be synthesized it will be malleable enough to mold into a crack pipe. Just think about it! I would never have to buy another crack pipe, I could throw it at Whitney a thousand times and still not make a dent (in the pipe). Also with the world on the cusp space exploration I could even light my pipe with the sun! Hypothetically that is.

I’ve Experienced Several Setbacks Inventing A Telepathic Tivo

Late last week I decided to give my telepathic Tivo a test run. For those of you who are not in the loop, several months ago I was a bit imbibed at a Best Buy picking out a new TV or five for Whitney… To keep at my house… And never use. The salesman noticing Whitney’s Visa quickly pointed me towards the new Tivo. After a short explanation of what the Tivo did and that the little Tivo logo was not trying to steal my sandwich I was sold! Days later when I sold off a few of Whitney’s “extra” televisions I finally installed the Tivo. My main problem with the device is that you actually have to search through all the channels to find the shows you like and want to record. At that point I just wished the machined could read my mind and record the shows I thought about. At that point I remembered some work the University of California was doing on synthetic telepathy.

Quickly I went to work making my Tivo telepathic and just last week I completed the prototype. After installing the Tivo I took it for a test run. First I thought about recording Nova and instantly the Tivo brought up a week’s worth of future episodes! Then I thought about my singing career and I was brought to my Behind The Music on VH1! At which point I started thinking about being fucked up on drugs spouting retarded crap out my mouth and bam! Tivo started recording Glenn Beck!

The initial success I decided that maybe I should test this device with altered brain patterns to see how it reacts. So I took some vitamin “C-rack” to prepare. Unfortunately I quickly found that I lack the resources I needed to reach the altered mental state I desired. Realizing that all my research funds were all tied up in Whitney’s bank account I needed to come up with some funding quick before my hard work getting that high faded. I have realized the answer to my funding problem had been staring me in the face the whole time… The TV! I attempted to throw the television on my back and jump out the window but in the process I broke the Tivo and the television. Undaunted I made my way to the local pawn shop with my television who quickly pointed out that they “don’t buy broken televisions” and pointed to a sign that stated “Store Policy: Do Not Buy Anything From Bobby Brown”. So the project is on hiatus until I can get some new backers, if you’re interested contact me via Western Union.

Can The Large Hadron Collider Help Keep My Ass Out Of Jail?

I know it's several months away but I'm as giddy a particle physicist when it comes to the reboot of the Large Hadron Collider! Hopefully we'll be able to answer the grand queries of the universe such as "How was the big bang triggered" or "Is there really a Higgs Boson particle?". Of course I have a much more personal and pressing question.... Can the Large Hadron Collider keep my ass out of jail?

Allow me to elaborate on this hypothesis. See one of the major rumors going around is that we may be able to unlock the key to time travel. Now with the ability to travel back in time I could go back in time and un-assault Whitney therefore averting my most recent arrest. Hell, I could even un-illegalize crack or travel to the future when my sentence is over, fifty years in fifty seconds!

Hopefully this will further my research into particle freebase.... I mean particle physics. One such experiment I have planned involves smashing the particles of low grade crack cocaine together at such a speed that the strong sub atomic particles are separated from the weak ones leaving only the essence of crack. Once I have created this “super crack” I will use a version of heated atomic fusion involving a lighter and a specialized section of glass tubing. Of course my fusion method could use a bit more work........