The iPad Is The Future Of Coke Tables!

After months of ceaseless balbutient scuttlebutt about the unveiling of Apple’s newest tablet it was no wonder I became disillusioned and even rueful of the iPad. I felt that tablets were simply whim, nothing more than an impennate technology that wouldn’t even reach proximity close enough to the sun to crash and burn. Of course as a trusted (not by the police obviously) technology writer my opinion on such trends is highly sought after and valued so as a duty to my readers I knew eventually I would have give it a gander.

Roughly a fortnight ago (I tend to lose track of time while experimenting, your science and nosebleeds and all) my tech guy T-Bo (no that isn’t an Asian name) had informed that he had recently come to possess a brand new iPad whose serial numbers had mysteriously been scratched off. After assuring me that his recent acquisition was in no relation affiliated with Steve Wozniak getting mugged two towns over and that he in fact had Steve Wozniak’s wallet to prove it (The Woz would never let a mugger borrow his wallet) we decided to give it a test run.

After cracking the password protection (some dizzy Apple worker must have inadvertently activated it) which was humorously “Bonerking-Steve” we proceeded with our inquisition. At first it appeared to be much like an iphone with Safari, itunes, email, photo album (no camera though), notes, etc… Then I noticed one huge and shocking difference. It was much bigger. I had thought for a moment that I was libated with some sort of size distorting indulgence but all for not it was actually bigger than the iphone.

T-Bo whose occupation with the device’s digital features had faded at this juncture calmly inquired about its analog features to be specific he said “Let’s do some blow off this mutherf*cker”. After presenting an eight ball we laid the iPad down and were eager to test the iPad’s analog features to the extreme. We set up a simple test course of bumps and rails and began (I imagine Steve Jobs has already done the same tests but has not yet published his results). As I snorted my way through itunes I was able to download “My Prerogative” and play it with a simple sniffle. Then two lines later I was emailing threats to Whitney and reading the latest science news of PhysOrg.

Despite its excellent capacity as a surface for cocaine use there are some detractors from the iPad. For example razor blades tend to scratch up the touch screen which smudges easily. Another drawback is that the battery is not removable therefore making it impossible to attach to my nipples. The last and largest flaw is that the iPad has no ability to toast bread. Besides those short misgivings I would say that the iPad is the most amazing coke table ever made, in fact I would go as far as saying if this device came out 20 years ago me and the execs on Wall Street would have gotten 100 times the amount of work done. On Bobby Brown’s felony scale I give the iPad a shocking “Pushing your grandmother down a flight of stairs while giving a back alley abortion to Laura Bush” so about a 3 out of 5 rocks.

P.S. Apple in your next gen iPad I would suggest you include a hollow nose ready stylus with a credit card sorting edge.