Technology I Look Forward To In This New Decade

Huzzah and salutations technology enthusiasts! 2010 is upon us and that means great speculation among science and technology enthusiasts like myself. Though the last decade has birthed the proliferation of Earth changing technologies like stem cell research, green energy, Large Hadron Colliders, text messaging, and blankets with sleeves on them it’s time to look forward to a new crop of burgeoning technologies that will hopefully spring legs in this decade.

Below are several technologies that are on my “wish list” for the future.

Self loosening hand cuffs:

A technology that is long over do, countless times I’ve encounter handcuffs that have absolutely nothing in the way of user friendly interface. I’m yet to find police handcuffs that are wearer friendly. With a few simple design changes the cuffs could allow the wearer to tighten, loosen, or take off the cuffs. Handcuff/wearer interface would be revolutionized greatly.

A Ghost Riding Skateboard:

We’ve all become familiar with the term “ghost ride the whip” when applied to automobiles but it still lacks application to other types of vehicles such as boats, passenger trains, airplanes, and skateboards. If I could only get off a skateboard that is moving and watch it move without being on it… It could cure world hunger, I’m sure how though.

Police Proof Doors:

A long time passion of mine that would dramatically improve the daily life of hundreds of thousands of Bobby Brown’s worldwide. The police are constantly breaking down my door and interrupting my research for miniscule infractions like not paying child support and setting nursing homes on fire while making off with prescription meds and copper wire from the walls. If only there were some sort of door that could keep the police out I’ve tried half a dozen methods from stealing white people’s doors and putting them on my apartment to smearing my own feces on a screen door but nothing has worked! I’ve even went as far as posting a picture of a policeman with stink lines on my door with the words “police keep out” scrolled on it but it didn’t stop them from raiding my simple honest meth lab.

Candy Jail Cells:

While incarcerated I often find myself getting hungry between meals, especially on days full of shankings. Most of the time I find that the guards are simply too busy with beating me to fetch me a snack. I realize that adding a kitchenette to the cells are out of the question since many of my crimes involve microwaves but if you simply used more edible building materials prisoners wouldn’t face this problem and could snack at will. Traditional metal and concrete designs have been known to break Bobby Brown’s teeth and taste only slightly better than Jack in the Box, while a cell made of candy would be fun for the whole organized crime family! It has been said that obesity is the worst prison of all since the prison is your own body (reference: Lifetime Channel) so candy jail cells will be an unimaginable punishment for some.

Neon Pants That Stay Popular:

Wearing pants is an unfortunate side effect of life. It seems like every time Bobby Brown forgets to wear pants in public I’m charged with a sex crime. The only pants worth wearing are neon ones. Neon is of the superior ultra-visible light spectrum so it is ideal for attracting people to your pants. Unfortunately the fashion world is fickle and yet to realize that neon pants are the ultimate fashion statement and that Bobby Brown doesn’t have the money to buy new pants.

Bobby Brown Food Between Two Slices Of Bread Mobile Meal:

This one is a little invention I came up with one night while I was rocked out of my skull. I got hungry and raided the cupboards of the Riley’s. There wasn’t much food in kitchen as the Riley’s were on vacation and had psychically asked me to watch their house (they even asked me to pawn their belongings for them so they would be safe). I jittered to the kitchen and somehow sandwiched meat, cheese, lettuce, and mayo between two slices of bread. The Riley’s came home early and I had to jump out the window or violate our unwritten psychic bond. As I was running I became aware that my mobile bread creation was still in my hand and still together. I’ve tried running with hands full of spaghetti or running with soup cupped in my hands but even the thickest stew it tough to run with. This sliced bread package was truly convenient and deserved a closer examination. Hopefully by the year 2016 the Bobby Brown sliced bread port-a-meal will go into full production.

Delocator Devices and Personal Locators:

It seems like when someone is trying to locate you there are plenty of devices that assist the locator. From Tom Tom’s to ankle bracelets they have all the technology. But what about someone who needs to disappear real fast? I’m not sure how this technology would work possibly via quantum refraction but I do know that I have been unable to locate myself in the past. That brings me to personal locator devices. Often I’ve been unable to locate myself even in my own apartment, if only I had something that would tell me “yo Bobby you’re right here, the guy holding this device” it would save me hours of looking for myself.

Field of Study that I’d like to see the most research go into: Pro-Theft Technology

Billions of dollars go into anti-theft research but hardly any money goes into pro-theft technology. It seems like companies are wasting money making it harder for Bobby Brown to steal. From voice activated car alarms to exploding ink packets anti-theft technology has overshadowed pro-theft technology. Just once I’d like to steal a sweater from Sears and instead of getting ink all over me have a voice chip say “Thank you for stealing me Bobby, I’ll look good on you” or a car that speeds up and takes you someplace nice when you steal it. Pro-theft devices have yet to be implemented by big chain stores and I see this hurting my personal economy in the future. I would like to suggest TV manufacturers install robotic legs on their larger sets so they can run away from their rightful owner’s right into Bobby Brown’s Geo Metro. Pro-Theft technology will guide America into the future, a future where we embrace our debts and start stealing to pay them off (Pro-Oil Theft technology is still way ahead of the curve in the U.S. though.)

Only the next 10 years will tell but things like biomimicry, perpetual energy, gene therapy, and space exploration will be a foolhardy use of funds and time while neon pants research goes ignored.

To the future and beyond friends!

How I Saved The World From Tomatoes

Though I am not sure how credible the source of this article is and in fact the level of research that went into it I’m very excited to see that there are still several people who remember the carnivorous tomato invasion of the 1980’s. Documented in a film and then a cartoon series the attack of the killer tomatoes actually happened. In fact I myself was a freedom fighter against the tomatoes, never on the national level but on the local level… Freelance. You see around 1989 I was watching some Showtime in my at then time mansion (now known as Young MC’s ex-mansion) and I took a quick look up from my “smoke filled research beaker” to see a shocking news report of carnivorous tomatoes raging throughout the countryside. As a snappy dressed sciencing professional I realized I must take action. Energy flowed through me so I quickly declared myself local commander of a Bobby Brown police action. I ran around my empty mansion and rounded up a militia composed of my butler, the maid, Invisible Art Carnie, The Cookie Monster, Olympia Dukakis, and a magical flying sandwich who carried the “carnivorous tomato antibody” (a slice of tomato infused with mayonnaise).

After seconds of intense military strategy the Bobby Brown anti-tomato militia armed themselves, me with my trusty “Hell no you ain’t repossess’n my car” baseball bat. The others with armaments found within the house. After patrolling my property I had noticed a stronghold of nightshade vegetables had managed to penetrate my neighbor’s garden. I climbed the perimeter fence and ventured deep into the tomato compound. I began thrashing the enemy with my bat and yelling my battle mantra “Fuck yo tomatoes, nigga!”. The guard tomatoes had become alerted and turned on the perimeter lights sending out a giant tomato soldier cleverly disguised as my neighbor. The sandwich and I tackled him and I held him down while the sandwich deployed its antibodies in his throat.

Before I could finish applying the sandwich the police had pulled me away and detained me. The police were clearly in on the conspiracy. Around day break the police had become corrupt and agreed to free in exchange for a bribe they were calling “bail”. After paying bail I was released and frantically searched the media for updates on the tomato holocaust. The government had clearly suppressed media coverage of the incident. The police report was also doctored to say I was spotted yelling gibberish and bashing tomatoes with a baseball bat and when confronted by the property owner I held him down and forced a sandwich in his mouth while yelling “eat the fucking sandwich, man eating tomato”. At least the daily mail has enough journalistic credibility to expose the truth.

Can The Discovery Of Wurzite Boron Nitride Lead To The Creation Of A Sturdier Crack Pipe?

I was excited to discover several months ago that the University of Nevada has tested and found a substance harder than diamonds! The mineral Wurzite Boron Nitride (w-BN) can stand extreme heat and pressure making it the perfect material to craft a crack pipe out of. I spend roughly $1,100 a month on crack pipes alone, most which break when hurled at high speeds at Whitney. I’ve tried metal pipes but the heat conductivity of metal is simply too high for the endurance smoker. The temperatures got so high I’ve had to hold them with an oven mitt. If you’ve ever tried to light a crack pipe wearing an oven mitt you know it’s impossible! After several third degree burns on my hands later I went straight back to glass.

Hopefully once w-BN can be synthesized it will be malleable enough to mold into a crack pipe. Just think about it! I would never have to buy another crack pipe, I could throw it at Whitney a thousand times and still not make a dent (in the pipe). Also with the world on the cusp space exploration I could even light my pipe with the sun! Hypothetically that is.