How I Saved The World From Tomatoes

Though I am not sure how credible the source of this article is and in fact the level of research that went into it I’m very excited to see that there are still several people who remember the carnivorous tomato invasion of the 1980’s. Documented in a film and then a cartoon series the attack of the killer tomatoes actually happened. In fact I myself was a freedom fighter against the tomatoes, never on the national level but on the local level… Freelance. You see around 1989 I was watching some Showtime in my at then time mansion (now known as Young MC’s ex-mansion) and I took a quick look up from my “smoke filled research beaker” to see a shocking news report of carnivorous tomatoes raging throughout the countryside. As a snappy dressed sciencing professional I realized I must take action. Energy flowed through me so I quickly declared myself local commander of a Bobby Brown police action. I ran around my empty mansion and rounded up a militia composed of my butler, the maid, Invisible Art Carnie, The Cookie Monster, Olympia Dukakis, and a magical flying sandwich who carried the “carnivorous tomato antibody” (a slice of tomato infused with mayonnaise).

After seconds of intense military strategy the Bobby Brown anti-tomato militia armed themselves, me with my trusty “Hell no you ain’t repossess’n my car” baseball bat. The others with armaments found within the house. After patrolling my property I had noticed a stronghold of nightshade vegetables had managed to penetrate my neighbor’s garden. I climbed the perimeter fence and ventured deep into the tomato compound. I began thrashing the enemy with my bat and yelling my battle mantra “Fuck yo tomatoes, nigga!”. The guard tomatoes had become alerted and turned on the perimeter lights sending out a giant tomato soldier cleverly disguised as my neighbor. The sandwich and I tackled him and I held him down while the sandwich deployed its antibodies in his throat.

Before I could finish applying the sandwich the police had pulled me away and detained me. The police were clearly in on the conspiracy. Around day break the police had become corrupt and agreed to free in exchange for a bribe they were calling “bail”. After paying bail I was released and frantically searched the media for updates on the tomato holocaust. The government had clearly suppressed media coverage of the incident. The police report was also doctored to say I was spotted yelling gibberish and bashing tomatoes with a baseball bat and when confronted by the property owner I held him down and forced a sandwich in his mouth while yelling “eat the fucking sandwich, man eating tomato”. At least the daily mail has enough journalistic credibility to expose the truth.

Silly Astronomers, You Can Find The Same Atmosphere In My Living Room

I would like to apologize for the unexpected hiatus as my last entry left my loyal readers with several unanswered questions like “Hey Bobby where’s the money you owe, bitch!” and “What is the most effective to donate sperm from jail?”. First I’ll explain where I have been, as many of you know I have a working relationship with the U.S. justice department and every so often when they deem fit I am cloistered away to one of their many facilities in order to continue my research on subjects like “not smoking crack for months at a time” and “Shank durability tests”. Though my contact with the outside world is limited during these periods (unless you have an extraordinarily large rectal cavity, which is what I have been avoiding) I did run across this.

It is as I have feared, the field of astronomy has become lethargic in my absence. An atmosphere of gaseous rock? I’m sorry astronomers but even Whitney has seen this before even through her most blackened of eyes. This atmosphere is no interstellar oddity I have myself isolated such an atmosphere within the confines of my own apartment! Despite complaints from the neighbors! I have also done extensive research on its effects on the human body as well! I have dubbed it not only safe to breath but quite invigorating! Though I have been forbidden from future experiments in this area in the U.S. I believe Portugal may allow me to continue my research. I have been deemed too valuable a scientist by the U.S. to leave for now in fact it has been requested that I do not leave my apartment and wear a special ankle bracelet. Until my parole… I mean my “government contract” is up I may have to continue my research in fields such as “getting high and running naked through Baby Gap” secret. Namaste!

New Ion Drive Will Exponentially Increase The Speed At Which I Out Run My Creditors

39 days to Mars? That’s right with the new ion drive created by Ad Astra Rocket Company they believe they have a propulsion system that can send a man to Mars in the period it takes for me to go to prison, get out, violate my probation, and get sent back to prison (I’ve pretty much streamlined it, I’m like the Henry Ford of falling off the crack wagon). Such a possibility had me so enthralled I simply had to try out this new technology for myself. Of course I couldn’t just march up to Ad Astra and grab one! See when you’re dealing with a brand new technology that everyone wants to get their hands on you’ve got to have some serious security measures, like a guy at the gate with a picture of Bobby Brown that says “Banned For Indecent Exposure”. Long story short, pointing out the similarities between the shape of their new plasma rocket and your old pocket rocket don’t go over so well at Ad Astra. Luckily I had a gold chain to bribe the guard and was able to steal some blue prints left in the john.

Next all I had to do was build an ion drive of my own. Since I had already maxed out my credits cards (do you know how hard it is to max out a Visa Black? They don’t even have credit limits!) I had to get creative with finding parts. It took great cunning to acquire the necessary parts but eventually Whitney fell asleep and I was able to steal her credit card and go down to Radioshack. After building the ion drive I had yet another obstacle to overcome. That obstacle? Acquiring an automobile to mount it on. With my credit maxed out and Whitney pulling the old “call the credit card company and tell them Bobby is committing credit card fraud again” move it was impossible for me to find an auto loan. Also my creditors legal and illegal were becoming increasing interested in repossessing my belongings and lungs. So right now I’ve got my ion drive and a dollar fifty in change and I’m headed down to the bus stop to implore the drivers to allow me to upgrade their vehicles, hey I paid my $1.50 and it’s a public bus and I’m the public!

Why Is The Government Banning My Research On Miracle Substance Methylbenzoylecgonine?

Recently my private lab was stormed by Philistine government thugs! Apparently research on the miracle substance methylbenzoylecgonine was banned like so many other controversial substances. I should not be surprised though, the US government has always been less than enlightened when it comes to research in the curative fields. From stem cell research bans to bans on DMSO (a chemical derived from wood pulp which has the amazing ability to absorb through the skin which is believed to cure some types of arthritis) and even studies on cannabinoids. What is methylbenzoylecgonine you ask? Well methylbenzoylecgonine is a miracle chemical which has shown remarkable curative ability when treating lethargy, is known to promote energy which helps combat obesity, stimulate unique mental activity, and even hinders post pubescent teething. Well it looks like this is just another casualty of big pharmaceutical money and the greedy agenda of an ignorant government. The sad thing is our own CIA most likely invented methylbenzoylecgonine but once the demand grew and they realized it could help people (mainly me) they banned it! Please don’t let the government stop you from learning about this miracle substance you can find information about methylbenzoylecgonine here or out back of your local library.

Yo Dinosaurs Be Fucked Up And Shit!

Yo I was think’n today that those dinosaurs… You know those big fuck’n lizard things? They be like fucked up and shit!

Yo I was down at the Western Union cash’n my New Edition Reunion tour check so I decided to celebrate… You know celebrate. So I was smoke’n some rocks down by the Children’s room at the library (The adult library people have some stupid rules about not smoke’n crack in the library, I know it’s bull, yo they should put up sign that says “no smoking crack” if they don’t want people smoke’n crack) So I was gett’n my rock on with the young’uns when some little homie came up to me and roared! Little motherfucker said he was T-Rex and I almost believed him too. Little dude was convince’n. Then the little homie showed me this paper book called “Dinosaurs” or something, wait maybe it was called “Bonfire Of The Vanities”. I don't know, I'm still high as a mother fucker!

Yo there was like so many giant bugs… I mean like lizards, but they ain’t lizards! They’re like giant too, almost as big as me after I left New Edition! They’re old too, real fuck’n old! Man these things are scary! Lucky they only existed in like the 1930’s in Jolly Old England, I wouldn’t want to run into one of them you’d have to know karate or something or they would fuck your ass up. That’s cool though I’m street smart if I ran into a T-Rex I’d be like “yo” and then “snap” and I’d like pimp slap that giant razor toothed motherfucker in the jaw. If I can take on a pissed off Whitney dinosaurs don’t stand a chance. Speaking of which Whitney is getting pretty old soon she’ll be a dinosaur. Oh shit I think she’s home later sciencey peoples!